11/29/2011

I don’t think I said it yet, but thank you, everyone, for your support.  It meant a lot to me, and still does.

Things are almost at a standstill here at home.

Court’s talking to us again after I yelled at him the other day.  It’s not much conversation wise, but it’s something.  And things are a tad less stressed.

I’m still stressed and depressed; I see my Psychiatrist today.  I’m going to tell him how I’ve been feeling.  And it’s not good.

I’ve been preoccupied with my own death lately.  Not overtly, but it’s always there… I know I’ve said it before, but I walk across the street and pray to get hit by a car, I play with scissors and think about using it to cut flesh or worse, to cut my hair.  There was a few times I had my hair in my hands and a pair of scissors to it.  I’ve also moved to the other room, the thought of how to hang myself with my bed’s been too much to let me sleep.  It’s not all active… other than the hair thing, I haven’t done a thing to show what I’m thinking, but the thought is always there, always.

I’ve also been thinking about drugging myself… not legal drugs, but taking something to make everything go away.  I read somewhere that heroin is like dying for a few hours.. I wouldn’t mind that.  But I’m not going to turn into a junky… it’s all just thoughts.

And I need these thoughts to stop.

Bon says I’ve been in a steep decline since my birthday last year, the one where I had everyone over and we partied.  She says that it’s like I’m hanging off a cliff and she’s trying to help pull me up, but Court and Mom are just watching.  I can see it, sadly, I can see it.

As for Court…

Resentment turns to Anger which turns to Hate.

I’m scared that he’s going to end up making us resent him, and then it’s a downward spiral.  I don’t want to, I don’t want to resent or be angry or hateful towards him.  I don’t want that at all, but it’s hard at times.

I was invited out for dinner by a coworker.  I’m thinking about taking him up on it.  It should be fun, and it’s not going anywhere.  I can’t afford a rebound.