09/22/2011

Every time I think about moving out, my heart flutters and sinks at the same time.  I want to move out, I want to be on my own, but I can’t, I feel too damned obligated to my mom and yes, even to Court.

People don’t understand that I can’t just up and walk away, no matter how much I want to or how good of an idea it is, just like I can’t up and kick Court out.  I just… i can’t do it.  I’m not strong enough to.

Instead I suffer to stay in a place that I feel stifled, because I don’t want my mom to lose the place and Court doesn’t have a job yet, even though he’s been looking.

I hate my life.

I hate it.

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about ending everything.

I walk across the street… I wonder if that car will hit me if I stop.

I lay down in bed… I wonder if I can hang myself off of my bedpost.

I walk along the top of the parking garage… Why don’t I just jump?

I can’t help but have these thoughts.

Suicide is when your pain is greater than your ability to bear it.

No.

Suicide is when your ability to love is extinguished by your pain and weakness.

I can still love.

There’s hope.

Some, at least.