06/17/2011

Falling in love is easy…

I saw that in a note on a friend’s diary and I smiled.  It’s true, it’s easy to fall in love, harder to build a relationship.

I’ve gone through another period of silence… sorry about that.  This is one of those things where there’s too much going on to really talk about.  I can say that I went to All’s Faire and it was a lot of fun… partying with pirates and all that, although I didn’t make crap with selling my stuff.  Which is alright, I guess, it was small and this was the first year it was open to the public.  I’m going back next year… I like the idea of being with something from the beginning, I feel like I’m having a part in making it, in forming it into what it may one day be.  It’s only a small part, but it’s a part none-the-less.

I’ve been really conflicted lately.  Specially with a good friend of mine.  I know he’s working on helping me become what I need to be (a strong, secure, well-rounded individual) but sometimes his nay-saying makes me want to either scream, cry, or give up.  Granted, he’s mostly right on some things… and I understand where his advice is coming from, but sometimes… sometimes I want encouragement and a way to do things, as opposed to being told that I’m being silly… specially when I am.

I got an idea while my aunt was up here… to put together a blog of some sort where I can keep a running list of all the festivals and the like that are coming up in the area… not just festivals, but just fun things.  Like, for example, Batdorf & Bronson has a tasting house in downtown Olympia.  I didn’t know that, and I don’t think many people do, unless they’ve stumbled into it like my mom did.  But I have this image of a list of events and maybe reviews and pictures and all sorts of stuff.  I think it’d be fun.  I mentioned getting it up and running to my friend, and he tells me that I should, “focus on what I’m doing already” i.e. my diary here at OD and the Roleplaying game we have together.

I agree wholely, I need to focus more on what I have, but at the same time… I want to create something that’s mine and that I can share with people, something that makes the world (or at least the internet) a better and easier place.  I’ve looked for other oly blogs with local events and haven’t found any that have been updating for the past year or so.  I love Dragonhowl (the RP) but It doesn’t feel like it’s mine… it’s his, his story, his baby, and I just happen to have control over one of the main characters…. so there’s nothing I can really do in it without feeling weird.  Hell, I designed a costume for Aio, my char, and felt like I had to check it over with him, since it’s his baby.

I don’t know. I think I’m being too sensitive these days.  I find I’m holding back more and more from friends and loved ones because I don’t want to go through the drama that the truth would open up.  I got a taste of that when I mentioned to my friend that I was thinking about BDSM and wanted to try subbing. I talked to my therapist about that… while at All’s Faire I was given an offer by a guy I met there… one of those, “How about you come to my tent and then I’ll beat you silly with my flogger (since you like pain and stuff) and then we’ll have wild and crazy sex.”  offers.  I enjoy the thought, well, a part of me enjoys the thought, but the guy is just… creepy.  I don’t think there would have been anything to send me to bed with him, but if someone else asked, or if I caved in… yeah.  I talked to my therapist about that and a few other things and when I try to explain it to people, they look at me funny or lecture me. ::sigh::

I need to trust my instincts more.

And talk less.