7/24/05

I have only been home for less then 48 hours. Let the drama unfold. Here’s the deal. I’ve noticed a bunch of things in the past couple of days. Well, more or less while I was at Liz’s house in Florida and the 3 day long trip getting back to Arkansas. I thought ALOT about Jo. Which, I normaly do anyway..but. This was different. Somehow I just..felt all weird about it. Like..just EVERYTHING. The fact that I have a boyfriend, the fact that I have actually kissed him, the fact that he actually likes me I could go on, but I will spare you. The thing I noticed at Liz’s house was this. She has a HUGE major crush on Tyler. One of Jo’s friends. Tyler is a sweet guy, and he’s 18. Liz is turning 14 on Monday. Yeah. Tyler’s not to fond of the age difference. But that’s not the point I am trying to bring across. I read there IM’s when I was there, I saw her face light up when she talked about him. I heard the fondness of him in her voice when she talked about him. I saw her kinda..fade off and smile like she was thinking about him. How she got so overly excited when he got online, or when they talked. This is what I use to have with Jo. Well… more or less. My face does light up when I talk about Jo, I have a great love and respect for Jo, and I am very fond of him. And, yeah, I space out thinking of him. And, when I see him get online a smile creeps over my face. But..Even though I know I am expericeneing these things for him, I have a hard time thinking he’s the same. I can’t even start to explain how much I miss him. His touch, his kisses, his smile, and even the way he held my hand. I miss it all. Just something is still bugging me. I haven’t yet figured out what it was until, I thought about it. I like Tyler. More or less, meaning I’m very fond of him. Now, don’t get me wrong. I still love Jo more then any guy, but Tyler..It’s hard to explain really. Jo and Tyler are very very similer. If they swiched screen names no one would ever know. Unless you know them both very very well. I kinda have sorted things out to. The reason I have some feelings for Tyler is because he’s like Jo. He reminds me of him. And, Jo’s just..gone. Well, yes. I have been gone for 2 weeks, and when we did talk Liz was there too. I know he likes Liz, but sometimes when were together, we tend to ignore people, and go off on our own things, and forget about others. Not on pourpase of course, but never the less we do. I guess I’m feeling distant from him. He told me that he feels the same way. He normaly tell’s me everything. But I have like.something pulling at my butt saying "He’s not telling you something". I don’t know what it is..But I keep haveing little thought’s about it, and it just brings my self-image down, even though it’s pretty low as it is, already. I can’t help but think about it.. What if he doesn’t love me like he says he does? questions come to mind. I hate thinking that way, because I trust him alot. But I sometime’s can’t stop myself. But! Anyway, I told Tyler about my feelings about him, and I suppose it’s that apparent. Because Jo told Tyler he knew that I did like Tyler in someway other then a friend. And…I told Liz. I know she’s all like "Yeah, fine whatever" But I can hear her little heart screaming at me. I don’t want to like some guy that she does. I can’t belive that I do..well, I don’t really know if I like him or not, or if it’s just because he’s there kinda thing, and he remind’s me enough of Jo. I knew this would happen..I did. *sigh* Besides all of that. Liz doesn’t like it all that much when I speak of Jo. I mean..well, she doesn’t care when it’s ABOUT him, but anything else..Like..my feelings or..something she just is kinda like "Uh huh!" Or blows me off. I am more then happy to listen to her rantings about how cute and sweet Tyler is, but she doesn’t care to listen to me. Things have changed over the past year. I do not like change. Not at all. I don’t know what I am suppose to do about all this new feelingness. It’s driveing me mad. Did I mention, I don’t like change?