6/29/05

Well, I was hit with a total bomb last night..*sigh* I don’t even know what to think or do…but i’ll start at the begining.. Me and Jo were talking last night, and I don’t even remember  how the subject was brought up. But he told me something that Anna said (Just in case, I haven’t told anyone on here. Anna is Jo’s perfect ex girlfriend..). She told him that she still wanted to kiss him. Which made me so sad. But I was thinking alot worse, and that she loved him, and he was going to take her back, and let me fade into nothingness. Which is a dream that i’ve been haveing like a reacurring one..but anyway. He talked about it..and he wants to kiss her too. Now I think that my brain went into mental shock at that point. I don’t think I could think of anything besides" Whhhatt!?" So! We were kinda queit for a little while, and I took that time to think (Oooh, lucky me..) . Well, this is what I came up with! (But it being thought up at 2 o’clock in the morning, I am still not to sure, I want to do this..) Anna was Jo’s only link to the outside world for so long, Anna ment everything to him. And probley the only reason he actually did anything or bothered to get up in the morning. So, I just thought…what happened if he doesn’t kiss her?  Would he regret not doing it? Would he sit there and wonder what would happen if he did? I don’t want him to wonder I want him to know. I don’t want him doughting our relasonship because of that. And, what if there is something between them? What if that starts there little love fest over again? I know I might sound like I’m on crack, and really fucking stupid. But I want the best for him. Even if that means he’s not with me and with Anna. That’s how much I love and care for him. As long as he’s happy, i’m happy. I can’t even belive I think that. I really don’t know why eaither. Half of me is screaming. "What if he doesnt!? Will he regret it!? Will it affect what you have! Let her kiss him!!" Then the other half is saying "What the fuck is your problem! There is NO debateing here! NO FUCKING WAAAAAY!!" I don’t know what to do..I don’t. I hate makeing desttions. He said that he doens’t want me thinking of him differently if he does. He’s all "How could you even stand to kiss me after I kissed her, for that matter even look at me.." Yeah, well..I don’t know how i’ll feel but I can guess. I know that I will be so discusted and sad perhaps. But i’ll get over it in time. I don’t know really though. I mean why, does he want to? He kinda said, because it’s something that he wanted for so long, he wanted to see if it was worth it. And it’s just a kiss..it’s not like there gunna go have sex or something. I mean I don’t know. I really..just ARGH. I told him to talk with her about it and just…whatever they want is ok..*sigh* I guess by me. I’m going to try and not think about it…ha! fat chance..but I just still don’t know what I think about it. Mayhap, I should talk to Anna too? Oh that would be an intresting conversation! "Oh Hi, Anna? Yes, yes I hear you want to make out with my boyfriend. ….Oh, No, no go right ahead!… Yeah, great thanks bye!" Yeah isn’t that wonderful. I know what some people are going to say..if anything at all..That I’m a crazy phyco bitch(That nick name compliments of my ex-boyfriend..) that needs mental help.Yeah, I totaly agree with you. I don’t know why I think this. I don’t. More then anything I want to run up to him and scream ‘Hell no!’ But.. I just want Liz..I think i’ll call her and talk to her. She makes me feel better. Well, if anyone has any advice, feel free to give it. I’m always open to that kinda stuff……..