ME

I am lost. I am following trails in life, that I can’t remember if I or my overthinking laid. It feels like I am being enveloped in this never ending, cruel, and grueling cycle. This cycle is built around my unhealthy desire to be perfect. Even though I know, being perfect is not possible, still I try. It feels like insanity. I can never just be myself. I always try to put on personas. Thats not what I need to do. I need to be myself. It is hard when I hate myself. I am my #1 hater. I cant just let myself think of myself, its not even being humble either. I lack the ability to even put myself to a higher level without also breaking my foundation I just built. Its like going up an elevator in a building, and as you go up, the bottom floor you pass are evaporated, and you are basically right where you started, at ground level, pain. I’m trying to get better. I’m trying to take peoples compliments to heart, but my own insults are the vein of that effort. I’ve been in the best relationship of my life for the past 3 months, this girl means so much to me. But I am so scared. I am so scared about messing up, I am scared about not being good enough, I am scared about not being what she wants me to be. I cant keep letting that get in the way of my life. I am drowning in my own self-delusions. Sure I have been through a lot, but who hasn’t? Life is hard. That is a given. But why must I make it harder on myself. I need to better myself, for myself. Maybe I don’t like myself because for so long, I was trying to work with a blueprint dealt by others minds rather than my own. I need to be my own builder, my own lover, my own fighter. I need to fight to make myself something. I need to fight to let myself have the peace of finally not nitpicking everything about myself. Any tips?