we can’t work it out

james always seems to call at the perfectly worse moments. last night was a rough night. and he called, and as much as i tought i was fighting it i really just needed to talk with him. i finally realize that all of our drama was my own fault and own insecurity. well now he knows what i want out of life, and if he’s to much of an idiot to not figure it out, i don’t care. because i’m over it, and over him, sort of.

i was trying to tell kristy how i feel…that here he is, finally saying he’s looking for the same things i am. and now that we are on the same page i realize that it would never work. mainly because he dragged me through so much dirt. and because i know that none of my friends would approve of me. maybe i wouldn’t aprrove of me, and saying that…i guess i don’t approve of him.

i’m going places. i swear on my life that i am not going to stay here. and he feels the same way about himself…but his method is so god damn unconventional, i can’t accept it.

i miss him. i miss having strong men in my life. i miss having someone that knows my buttons, and how to intentionally push them.

last night i played the what if game. what if scott hadn’t gone to college. what if we were still together.

it makes me miss having someone who holds me for no reason. i miss being in a relationship. and everyone already knows this. i’ve told everyone and their mother what i want at this stage in my life. and i’m not seeking, i’m not picking boys up at the bar and trying to make them my one and only.

i’m ready to settle, and i’m afraid i might just settle for someone who doesn’t treat me like i deserve to be treated. i am so worthy of the things i want. i know that sounds ridiculously pompous, but it’s true.

last night i said to james, i don’t understand why i had to break my ankle…i don’t deserve this. and he said something along the lines of it being karma and i should be nicer to people. i was so mad. i started to tear up and told him about cancer, and how mean people were, and that after so many years of being outcast for CANCER, you realize that it’s beyond karma and that people are flawed and naturally mean. i wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. but i was so angry. i don’t deserve the medical problems i’ve had. i’m only 18 and i’ve had four major operations. it’s just not fair.

and he’s not fair because he’ll never want me like i crave for him to want me. and no one ever will. i think i’m just to damn passionate for my own good, and no one can compare to my standards.

i’m really confused.