tisk tisk

things have been so wierd lately, and i feel like now, this moment is the only time i can write about it.

alexia and i went to the bar tonight, for oldies. and it was different. because tyler wasn’t there, and i had so much more fun. i hate it when he goes with us.

but that isn’t it. i don’t know what is, and i’m slightly buzzed, maybe borederline drunk…so some of this might not make sense.

i feel like i have a never ending streak of bad luck. honestly. let’s list…january i was kicked out of smith college, february i shattered my ankle, between february and april every single guy i felt i had a small chance with rejected me. that night when james left me here and collected his things, makes me nauseous. april…i went into the worst finanical deficit of my life, jen hit me and i dropped out of my lease. may…i’m a workaholic, my ankle is in so much pain, this second. and i am still pathetically lonely.

when i was in highschool i would have sex with random guys to feel better. but now… even the random guys, who were gorgeous back then and kind of creepy now, even they won’t have sex with me.

the sarah’s are distant and controlling.

alexia is a workaholic who goes to bed at 9. and i am failing at my own life.

i’m not depressed or upset, but i am hella lost.

rachel davis and i bonded this weekend. and it was awkward, not at the time…but to thinkabout it now. i imagine she only send a total of twenty words to me since highschool.

katie groves still hates me, and spent all of saturday talking shit to anyone who would listen to her.

i want her to know this and only this, to still be angry at this point is ridiculous, i liked him, you liked him and he liked both of us. it is HIS fault, not out that he couldn’t choose. and you and i are just as much to blame for staying with such an asshole.

i can’t remember if james broke my heart or not. it was so long ago, and i am SOOOOO moved on.

when i invision sleeping with him, or even being in his arms, my stomach always does a slight heave. he literally makes me sick. and i still call him. i’m fucking desperate.

it’s been four weeks since i have had sex. thats a record besides the three month strech when i went to smith.

i’m sort of proud, and yet furious at the past.

listening to bob dylan. and pretty exhausted. i want to write more, but it just isn’t possible.