Possible chicken soup-ness

My mother told me that I had a brain tumor on May 5th, 1997. And I have not forgiven her since that day.

While trying to tell my story, I mulled over so many different aspects of my experience. And I realized that there is one emotion that we as a society don’t give much credit to, anger. I’m not talking about the kind of anger that subsides, but the anger that lives deep inside. It is this tense coil, wound so tight and just begging to explode. I am a brain tumor survivor, but I am angry.

Mostly I am angry with my mom.I don’t know why I resent her as opposed to my Dad, but thats just how it is. I’m angry because she couldn’t protect me. All those days before my diagnosis, there was nothing that couldn’t be fixed with a good cry, a bandaid and a hug. Cancer just isn’t like that. Even a relatively simple fix like surgery still leaves this residual fear and anxiety. Remission isn’t forever, and I have spent years wondering, am I really cured?

In the years following my remission I was still unable to make peace with my anger. My life experiences brought me to a dark place where I was unable to form healthy relationships with my family, with my friends and with men. I ran away multiple times, literally and figuitavely. My anger finally brought me to Paris, France in April of 2006. I was walking the Champs Elysee, calling my sister to brag about the wonderful sights when I got the news.

My middle sister was currently in the hospital undergoing emergency surgery for a tumor located in her chest.

All that anger that was covered up came boiling back out of me, the wound up coil was let go and whipped through my insides. No wonder the French dislike Americans, we have near nervous breakdowns in their shopping districts.

It has been more than two years since that day. I’ve made peace with my sisters illness. I view it as a blessing that strengthened our relationship. But through all of this, each year I find myself distancing myself more and more from my Mom. More than a decade later, I am still furious with her. It has been easy to blame her, and maybe thats because she blames herself. Obviously the logical reply is that she can’t control cancer, there is nothing she could do to stop it. But cancer defys logic.

***WORK IN PROGRES****