monumental times

everyone is so obsessed with valentines day.
for the first time in a very long time, i’m not sad nor disappointed.
i don’t have a valentine…and it makes me feel ordinary.
i’ve got apathy for the whole situation, regarding the events of today at least.
i send a pseudo valentine email. with my own flair of course.
i guess i’ve got some crazy things to own up to.
i am falling really hard for adam. you deserve to know the background. and prayfully he’ll shy away from this entry. don’t want to boost his ego.
umm, so. last year at smith i found his profile on myspace.com. I was really attracted to him, but he had mentioned a lot of things regarding religion in his profile. now, i am very spiritual. but in november 2004 i just assumed a ‘church bpy’ would want nothing to do with me.
months went by, and everytime i was browsing on myspace i ran across his profile….i read it many time. but still never got the courage to message him. what would i say? i though…i’m certianly just not his type nor do i have anything interesting to bring up.
low and behold he messaged me, pretty randomly. i haven’t the faintest idea what we talked about at first. but he was a grad student in my hometown and no where as churchy as i had imagined. we talked for a few weeks via IM.
at that point, we were pretty in the dark about the other persons personality. i was seeing many people. doing my rory, jason and everyone else thing. it was the spring where i used a lot of E. i have this image of me running back and forth across main street, while rolling. trying to round everyone up so i could drive us to a party. somewehre in the midst of my high i called his parents house in the middle of the night.
he accused me of being flighty and i was devestated. but thats how e makes you feel…up or down. and although everyone says it’s a happy drug. the only reason i quit is because of how down it made me feel. like and intese longing for something more in life, yet you know it can’t ever happen. deep down you accept that you;ll never be as happy as your last roll. i’m glad i don’t use drugs anymore.
so adam and i talked a lot. he lived outside of town, on the way to my parents cottage. one night his friends ditched him and i was bored so i left my house at 10:00pm to visit him, and then continue on my way to my parents cottage. about five minutes before i left town, he called and cancelled. something had come up. i was pissed. out of disappointment of course. but we arranged for later that week.
i got hopelessly lost on the way. he’s terrible at giving directions. we sat outside smoking while he played the guitar and drank either so co or whiskey. i can’t remember. he tackled me and we rolled in the grass.
when we went to bed i asked if we could just sleep. so maybe i’m just not slutty enough. but it seemed wrong…not wrong…but wrong time.
i’m an ogre in the am…so i left in my typical 9am zombie mode. i’m sure he did not appreciate that. this was all last june by the way.
so i had to work the next week. didn’t get to talk a lot.
my car accident happened and i spun out of control.
i just couldn’t deal with adam. he had everything so together, a house, a successfull education and on the road to a fun and creative career. i was probabaly jealous. those are the only things i wanted in my life. i was about to loose my apt. had a shitty job and couldn’t manage to do anything right.
and when i almost died in that wreck i gave up. i’m sure my inability to sleep for weeks was a huge factor.
and also…somewhere in all of that mix i figured something out.
my friend nicole(the friend going to amsterdam with me) she had dated this grad student from her james joyce class back while i was at smith. apparently it was a huge fiasco, he was dating her roomate or something, cheated on carly with nicole. keenan got involved. lost of drama and that whole group of my friends hated this guy.
so i’m telling adam about something i did with keenan and alexia and he goes keenan camp? and i say yes…and before he can explain the story i’ve connected the dots. it was pretty crazy. because i hated the grad student that hurt nicole. but here i was ridiculously infactuated with the same person. i never knew because i was at smith.
i told nicole about staying at adam’s and she certainly did not approve.
i guess the big conclusion to the summer part of the story is i pushed adam really far away. i was snippety and always had to have the last word. i would purposly pursue arguments with him. and he was so damn patient!!! which angered me even more.
i would occasionally contact adam over the fall. but never with proper intentions. always jealous…searching for someway to make me look better and smarter and everything more.
i saw him at the bird once. and i was lost for words. i think i smiled. but kept my distance. i hadn’t seen him since June. in addition to raging jealousy it was also fear. i think he really wanted to be with me in the begining. and i just wasn’t ready for th things he wanted or needed. i didn’t want to trick myself into a relationship i couldn’t handle.
things changed after seeing him at the bird. i knew i was moving at this point, and i wasn’t fearful. well, i was afraid…because i didn’t approach him. just played it off like i was too fucking cool to talk to him. i was with keenan anyways. would have been entirely BAD.

within the first week or two of england…i started talking to adam again. it was probably at first motivated by my old self. waiting for some reaction from him that i could later feed off of. i’m such a selfish person. but we actually hit it off this time. and majorly. it feels like the summer love which was nothing more than lust, but more. i think we’ve got something. it’s a combination of a lot of things. mostly the major fact that i have grown and matured many years in just a few months. i’m not scared of his intellence, spirituality or ability to commit with or without me.
he did have a girlfriend, and i was twinged with jealousy at first…but then i had tim and it was fine. i didn’t care. we talked about peru and books…and i looked forward to him being on the computer. i think it was close to the same weekend….i expressed my deep disappointment with the way things were heading with tim. and he ended things with his girlfriend. it was a moment of what if…
i had been in the united states
i hadn’t fucked things up
i could have been with you
immeditly relief, lots of anger at myself for fucking things up in the beginning.
so we’ve been talking a lot. and now it looks like he is really going to spend a weekend with me…in the country. i could’t ask for any better company.
my heart is all pitter-patting. and i’ve got this intesnce passion for our conversations.
of course, through this whole thing with adam i’ve realized quite a few things. that i s