hanging on

i’m making sounds of despair and agony.
what adam said to me last tnight was certainly important. just not as good as i had hoped. it wasn’t bad…but just unsettling. it really removed me from my previous perspective. i appreciate what he had to say, and i relate with it. but i just want things to be blind and simple. on the other hand i know that i could never be satisfied with that kind of courtship. i want more than simplicity, but i like to be free of drama and complications.
we’re not dramatic, anymore at least.
just too thinky. i think all day long! and then i try to say what i’ve thought but it never turns out correct.
damn everything.
he doesn’t think i’m 100% commited to his journey. and i’m probabaly not. a part of me will always be commited to my own self, no matter how far behind i put the selfishness and everything else. i can never give 100%. i guess he really deserves to know that. it’s not that i don’t intent to give 80% even 90%. but it’s my life too.
and this sort of attitude is the greatest barrier.
so far i’d give up the things he’s hinted at. i know i can do what he’s implied so far. but what about the future? i don’t want to commit to following him at all costs only to realize the costs are too great.
everything leads to one thing…trusting in faith. that i won’t go astray…and many other things. it’s such a long battle. i’m not sure if i can be the perfect person.
right now the only thing i’ve got going for me is my willingness to try.
this whole subject, has drained my head. i know i have more i want to say, but i feel as if i’m dragging on and not making any sense.
i wrote a really long letter last night, six full pages. and when it was done i still had 50 pages more to write. but the cramps in my hand got the better of me.

i can’t believe this is all happening…
although i was very doubtful last night, i’m still silly with lust.

oh and…he said the good part was that he must be serious about me if he’s thinking about it so much. lol. i’m frustrated.
ma’am