Feeding the wolves.

I don’t make New Years resolutions, but over the last few days I found myself thinking of some of the things I’d like to improve in my life and wrote them down. I have eight goals down on paper with an empty 9. waiting for whatever inspiration hits next. Since self-improvement is about the journey, a list of goals is always incomplete and subject to change. A little hyperbole is welcome in my lists as well, if you don’t aim for the stars, you’ll never hit one. That’s a pretty way of saying that you can only hit what you aim for.

It only in the past few years that I’ve maintained goals in lists. Most of this year’s are fairly specific. I want to get my passport renewed, for example. I’ve been putting it off for almost two years and honestly, I don’t feel anyone should go about their day without having one. It’s foolish to confine yourself to the borders of your homeland when there’s a whole wide world out there to explore on a whim.

Though I didn’t put my goals down in any particular order of importance, the first on the list is the publication of the novel I wrote. I intend to self-publish, set a small advertising budget, then spend the first proceeds, as small as they may be on further advertising. Eventually, when hundreds of thousands of women have sobbed their hearts out after shelling out $1.99, I will sell the movie rights and be set for life. Did I mention I was aiming for the stars?

I won’t go into every goal I put down. Some are boring, like “improve professionally in terms of a raise, new position, or a new job completely.” More money to pay off the mortgage on my mind is always welcome. On the flip side, I have set the goal of learning how to play every song by Lifehouse, Rob Thomas, and Train that I like. I’ve spent years avoiding learning covers. I’m starting to feel as though perhaps I can manage.

I’m also going to learn Spanish and perhaps continue my education in French. I’m learning Spanish, which I’ve always held out against because I’ve been inspired by a bi-lingual friend of mine who is half Venezuelan. I also want to read Pablo Neruda in the original Spanish. He’s kind of an inspiration to me. I started this before the new year and practice while commuting to work, at least half an hour a day.

While publishing a book is a big deal, I think the best goal I’ve chosen is to feed the positive wolf. It’s more of a life goal, since we can all do a better job of doing so. Confused? Let me explain. It goes like this:

A Grandfather was sitting by the fire with his two young grandsons, teaching them about the difference between good and bad, positive and negative. The Grandfather tells his grandchildren, “There is a good wolf and a bad wolf living inside each of us. The good wolf is love, compassion, courage, generosity, fortitude, discipline, laughter and every worthy virtue a human being is capable of. The bad wolf is anger, hatred, laziness, jealousy, envy, greed, sloth and other vices a human being is capable of. In each and every one of us, these two wolves are engaged in a fierce battle.”

Sitting on the edge of their seats the two grandsons, hardly able to contain their anticipation, blurted out excitedly, “Which wolf gets to win Grandfather!?”

“The one you feed”, the Grandfather answered. “The one you feed.”

If you don’t know, I have fought issues with depression throughout my life and always fought and choked down my anger when it comes. Because of this, or vice versa, I have fed the wrong wolf for a long time. It’s a habit, and usually the one I torment is myself. I’m tired of living in that self-inflicted misery. It’s been really bad over the last week and a half, so much so that I can’t eat a full meal most days and felt my emotions grinding their way into my stomach and causing psychosomatic discomfort. I’m tired of it. You are what you practice, and I want to be a better man, one who loves himself, not humbly, but confidently and doesn’t secretly question his own worth. Intellectually, I know the things I do are pretty amazing. I’m just not very good at connecting my intellect and my emotion. My intellect, emotions, and body are out of whack. When you feed the darker wolf, he eats you as well.   

I think I will call them Rome and Reme, from now on. Reme will be the dark wolf, and Rome the light. Romulus won that battle after all. I feel rather chewed upon, and while I think I’ve fed his brother and nemesis more than his fair share, Rome is not so starved that my bones are cracked and the marrow sucked dry.  

There are many ways to feed the good wolf, and it doesn’t mean a sudden, lycanthropic-esque transformation into a Pollyanna. I’ve begun by sitting down and communicating my thoughts and emotions to t

he people I need to work things out with. The transformation in mood is astounding, quite honestly. Like a breath of fresh air after you’ve been stifling in a too hot room. I’m also looking into channeling my anger and stress into other forms of self-improvement. I did a yoga class while livid on Friday and it was therapeutic. Perhaps I can burn my angst as fuel instead of drowning in gasoline.

2013 begins, but I feel better about that beginning than I did even 24 hours ago. Here’s to the future, and here’s to being the best I can in the now.

And a thousand words, goodnight.

-m0rg4n