As a Matter of Fact

In which I write a letter explaining the concerns and emotions that are weighing me down and keeping me awake and end up admitting in those words that I love her, but reassure her that I am perfectly content to ask for nothing but her continued friendship.
 

Guenevere,

I’m writing you because there are things weighing on my chest that I
would like answers to. I’ve actually decided to try to text you, but
we’ll see if you’re around your phone to answer. I’m going to continue
writing in case you don’t. It is late for you, which slipped my mind.

It’s not that what I want to know is even that pressing, but I will
feel better if I ask and it’s definitely something that’s been on my
mind. I feel that there’s a broader question, but I am going to start
with the specific one. Did you decide to stop saying good night for
some conscious reason? That may seem like a silly question, but less
than two weeks ago you were saying things like, "I felt like there was
something missing from my day and I realized I forgot to say goodnight
and it’s three o’ clock and I haven’t talked to you." Tonight makes
the third night in a row you haven’t returned the sentiment.

My problem with this doesn’t lie with the lack of saying goodnight
itself. If you have made that choice then I imagine that it is for a
good reason, such as perhaps you came to the conclusion that it was a
strange thing to do if we are to be just friends. If you have a
reason, whatever it is, I would appreciate it if you would communicate
it. If you don’t have a reason, and just happened to be asleep when I
texted that’s wonderful news and I apologize for making something of
it.

I suppose that leads to the broader question. The tone and content of
your communication has changed recently. I think it started before you
left for Cali. I find it a bit confusing and even a little
frustrating. Since we communicate largely by text, it’s not always
easy to work through these things well or put a finger on the pulse of
things. If I am imagining things, well, I’m perfectly ok with being
wrong. If I did or said something I should apologize for, tell me so I
may do so. If things have changed in your life and you need me to
change my behavior somehow, just let me know. I am not trying to be a
burden to you, not with my emotions or friendship. I don’t feel I can
do that well enough if you close yourself off or pull away. We talked
for a month about how wonderful the communication in our friendship
was and I would like to keep that true. To be honest, the last time I
got the impressions I am getting from you now we didn’t speak for
years. I refuse to imagine that will happen, because I have your word
it won’t and I trust you.

That being said, talk to me so I can improve on whatever it is. If
it’s my desire for daily communication, or my need for clarity, or
anything else, don’t protect me, help me become a better person. Even
if I’m just crazy and need to be a little more confident in the
situation.

On the off chance that you have any concerns or cares regarding how I
feel. I imagine it’s possible some of my choices could have been
construed as pulling away a bit. I realize I’ve been less inclined to
share my creative endeavors and been less regular about my texts but I
worry about smothering you and want to respect your space and your
life outside our friendship. I don’t want to make assumptions on your
time.

I can reassure you, for better or worse, that I am no less your friend
first and no less as emotionally involved on other levels. As I have
said before, you mean the world to me. That’s not going to lessen
anytime soon. If you need me too, I can behave more the friend and
less the romantic, all you have to do is ask. Your friendship is
endlessly important to me and I’ll take whatever measures are required
to maintain it. My choice not to contact you today was hard, in all
honesty. Really, really hard. If the choice was mine to make, you
would be a daily part of my life for many years to come. I miss you
when you are not. As I said shortly after you left last month, I want
more of you in my life, not less.

Your happiness comes first. If you can be open with me about what you
need and don’t need from my friendship at any given time, ask any
questions that come to your mind, and identify boundaries when I cross
them or before I do, it will be much easier for me. I don’t want you
to be pressured or burdened by my romantic feelings for you. I have
outlets I am content expressing myself through, and they will always
be available at your request to listen to or read, but I don’t have to
wave them under your nose.

Forgive me this next part. We don’t ever have to discuss it unless you
wish to approach the subject. I just want to speak honestly from my
heart so you know how I feel about you. To some degree you might say I
owe you that honesty so that if necessary you can tell me how much of
my feelings I should keep to myself in the future. I suppose if I were
a better friend I would do the right thing and keep it to myself.
Please don’t take what I’m about to discuss as a lack of respect for
your marriage. Again, I am your friend first. I am not asking for
anything from you. If you can find it your heart to construe my words
as a gift, please do.

I once wrote you a letter in which I asked you to imagine the scene in
Love Actually in which the man comes to the door with a stereo playing
carols and uses cards to tell Keira Knightly that he loves her. I even
sent you that letter, but to an account you no longer used, so you
never read it. Those words are no less accurate now then they were
then. This is my version of that scene. You are my Keira Knightly. I
do love you. I just wish I could make that admission matter of factly
instead of some great romantic plea. What you give to me is enough.
It’s not that I don’t want or dream of more, I mean those words in
every way a man can when he says them to a woman, but they are words
without expectation.

In a fantasy world, I would be the one by your side, the one following
you and supporting your dream for the future. As I wrote in a poem
yesterday, "Your happiness is beautiful and this demon, I, I want to
be its catalyst." I would be the one you got angry at, and went to the
gym to work out your frustrations over. And it’s true, I would rather
fight and bitch and be unclear with you than make love to anyone else,
given the chance. Bear with me, we’re talking fantasies here. I dream
of being the one to make you smile, to honestly practice making you
smile every day. That life goal of mine, you know? I daydream about
conversations years from now when someone would ask me how I managed<br

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to treat you so well and care so much so far down the road and I would
tell them I practiced for years. =) It’s already true, to a degree.
I won’t go in to my dreams of dancing with you for the rest of our
lives, of learning new ones together and a thousand other activities.
It’s only limited by my imagination and we both know how overactive
that is.

Yet, I know that isn’t where we are or the road for us. As much
because I love you as any other reason, I respect what you have and
hope that our close friendship remains close and strong throughout the
years. In spite of my passionate creativity and lover’s dreams, I am
firmly in touch with reality. I don’t need to have my emotions
returned full force, that isn’t what love is. As long as I have your
friendship and you’re willing to put up with my need for clarity, that
will be enough for me. I love you dearly as a friend as well. I will
always be there when you need me and hopefully sometimes you’ll just
want me there as well. I want to be as much your friend when you’re
happy as when you’re upset. It may be a challenge at times, all things
being what they are, but your friendship is worth any effort to me.

I think I’ve said what I have to say and probably far more than was
wise. No, I haven’t been drinking. 😉 Bear with me as I settle my
romantic dreams and desires into a balance with what I treasure,
cherish, and value most. It may not always be clear, but I think you
truly know what that is. No matter what path our lives take, you will
always have all my heart and can count on me to feel no differently
about whether it’s been five years or twenty. I will move on,
romantically, since you’re rather unavailable, but my feelings won’t
be diminished by it. They’ll just be over another horizon, not buried
or forgotten but set in a pleasant, if dusty, shrine somewhere. My
friendship will be no less eternal, but a far more active part of my
life, I hope.

As I said, unless you have some desire to, there’s no need to discuss
the feelings I admitted here. It was enough to give them voice and I
would be content to let them rest.

I hope we can move forward as we always have.

Your True Friend,

m0rg4n