This Is Odd

Writing in here feels awkward. It’s been so long! I love the way that the longer I typed entries, the more mature I sounded. I was impressed with myself. That’s really bloated of me to say,  but it’s honest and that’s what this diary is about. I run through the thoughts in my head even as I’m typing this very sentence and I think about other times I’ve written in this. What I was doing the night Josh "stole my diary."  The entry I wrote when we broke up and disquised myself as a girl named Heather. The emotion was so raw and I teared up when I read it.

I’m thinking about how I’m about to tell you that I’m…engaged. And how he’s gonna get me the ring I want and he’s gonna complain the whole time and I’m gonna love every minute of it.

"gonna" is not a very mature word. I’m so ADD in my head you have no idea. I’m talking to a man I used to think was the one. I was emotionally drained and he was there when I needed it. Makes sense to me now why Josh felt the way he did for the girl that messed us up.

I miss Dana. Desperately. The chances of her seeing this are slim to none. I guess that okay. I truely miss her and am sorry for the way things happened, but I stand by my initial reaction. That probably would piss her off if she knew. I think about her a lot and it hurts when I send her a text and she doesn’t reply. You don’t know pain until you get engaged and realize the one person you want to tell, the one that was supposed to be your maid of honor since 7th grade, probably doesn’t give a shit.

I’m getting my hair done, well I want to, but I don’t want to spend money on it. Bummer. I’m gonna need to get my wisdom teeth out too but I gave up health insurance so I’m going to have to get over the fact that my tooth is growing up under my molar.

Work makes me tired, but I can never sleep more than 4 hours consecutively. It’s prolly the main reason I’m so ADD right now.

My friend Marc owes me 30 dollars and it’s going to take public humiliation to get it out of him. He’s real good at taking too much and never paying what he says he will. People that don’t stand by their word get under my skin. Deep. But he came with that disclaimer so I can’t help but no be angry with him every time I actually see him.

Right now I feel too immoral to go to church. It’s been weeks since I’ve been and I hate it. I just can’t get my heart in the right place. It’s scary.

I’m not in an upset mood. I’m just tired.

I love you all.

*L*