The Prodical…Something Or Other

So tonight I ventured up the church. I didn’t go for classes, Wednesday nights are more intimate, the kind of setting where you should feel more relaxed. Nobody is dressed up and there are less people. But for me, it’s much more uncomfortable. I used to go to church ever Sunday morning, Sunday evening and Wednesday nights. Not always because I wanted to, but sometimes I did. I would like to think that most of the time I went on my own, but the longer I was out "on my own" I came to find out maybe I didn’t go because I wanted to, but because others encouraged me to.

This entry is hard to write.  Mainly because I have no idea where I’m going with it. *Deep breath*

Tonight I felt like I was suffocating. I was standing at the door, simply waiting on my family to leave with me. I couldn’t handle it. I have to go outside and I had to get there fast. I felt smooshed inside those doors; uncomfortable and I didn’t know why. I still don’t know why. I DON’T KNOW WHY AND IT’S DRIVING ME CRAAAAZY.

I still pray. A lot. And I believe. That’s never faultered. I’ve had friends that went from ministry majors to not believing in God. I haven’t experianced anything like that. I don’t doubt. There’s a lot I don’t understand, but I don’t have questions about the core of my beliefs.

But being out in the "real" world has drastically changed my perspective. There are a lot of subjects I have questions about. Questions I thought I knew the answers to, but now I’m not so sure. Questions I really do NOT want to sit down and talk to a minister about because I’m already assuming their answers. And it doesn’t answer the question directly. It’s just the general assumptions about the things nobody on earth can be sure about. I think I should go to church but I won’t be able to stand my old one for long. The minister drives me insane. His lessons are boring. They are lessons I heard before I left for college. Everything he preaches is  GENERAL. I never feel like he’s speaking to me. I believe church should be personal, just like your relationship with God. I also believe you get what you put into it. But there’s only so much I can put in from my end before I need it to be reciprocated in some way. AH!

There are certain things I want to do again. Like take communion every Sunday. Every week I was in Oklahoma and didn’t go to church to take communion, and got away with it…(by got away I mean lived to see the next Sunday**) it was like a massive sigh of relief. And then I’d throw it away, just like the last week. But the churches I’ve experianced that SPEAK to me do not partake in communion every Sunday. I think it should be every Sunday, not just a few times a year.

I dunno. I’m tired. I get another epidural for my back tomorrow. (oh yeah, I have a herniated disc that caused a bone chip that’s messing with the nerve…yay for more back surgery. I sure hope not, but yeah, probably. Oh well) It normally takes a bit out of me, and I’ll be down for the rest of the day.

I have a jury summons for the 19th. I also have a friend having MASSIVE surgery that day in OK. I hope they’ll excuse me. PLEASE. I was excited about getting the summons, I’ve always thought it’d be fun, just not on that day. Oui.

*Love Until Later*

** I do NOT think that if you fail to take communion one Sunday you are going to Hell. DO NOT ASSUME THIS. I do believe that if you are skipping out and know what you should be doing, like I did, then you will have to answer for it on judgement day. Judgement is up to GOD, not me, I know that. There is no list that is clear cut, no human can understand. I am NOT saying one way or the other! It’s how I feel for ME personally and NO ONE ELSE!