Taken From Myspace Blog

Friday, September 08, 2006

Oui Freakin’ Vay
Current mood: rejected

This is depressing and sad and I normally wouldn’t post something like this but I’m lacking in sleep and needed to spill.

What do you do when you can’t talk to the person you want to the very most?

It’s a lost friendship, one I pushed away in a time of severe desperation. I had a choice to make and that friendship was not the one I made. It was supposed to be a temporary seperation. I’m afraid it was permantly severed. I dream about it it bothers me so much. I dream we make up and I think, "Finally. We made up and it wasn’t just in a dream." And I am so happy. Then I wake up.

 I’ll be fine and I’ll hear a song or see a picture or somebody will say something and I’ll want to call and tell them it made me smile and think of them but I can’t. I’ve tried. No answer.

I’m sure most people’s advice would consist of "move on" or "get over it." Trust me I have tried. But this person was a HUGE part of me and still is. I wonder if they think of me as often as I do of them. If maybe there is outside pressure to keep ignoring me like I no longer exist. But I DO exist. And I am more than ready to get on my knees and apologize over and over until it’s okay again. I did what I had to do at the time but I’m ready to make amends and I only want to move on if they are doing it with me.

I have close friends here in OK but not like this one. I can’t call anybody else in my phone to share some things with. Nobody would get it like this person would because nobody ever got me like them. It hurts and it make me sad. I’m not obsessed or anything freaky like that. I don’t sit for hours and look at pictures or let it effect my day to day chores. But when it slips into my mind it’s agonizing.

I just want things to…not go back to normal because I know they won’t. But I want to try and start over.

Please.

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