Doc Says So

Apparently, I live at an unhealthy stress level.  *smirk*  Well I knew that!

It has been recommended that I keep a daily journal.  Now, I’m not sure that adding one more thing to my daily to do list is a great idea, but since I already have this handy dandy journal here that I usually really do enjoy writing in, I’m game for giving it a shot.  🙂

Hope it’s not too boring…some days will be better than others.

Lots to do today before my party tonight.  I’ve found that hand delivering orders works much better than trying to mail them – usually cheaper and my clients like that personal touch.  Hopefully soon backorders will be a thing of the past, I’m working on building my stock fast so here’s hoping.  Free product every month definitely helps.

Tropical Storm K is having quite the day today.  This girl is a born performer, dancing and singing all over the place.  Making a 4 year old understand that it’s dangerous to dance under the feet of the grown ups at the bank…well she just doesn’t grasp that yet.  She’s knocked down those poles that hold up the line cords so many times now…argh!

Wedding date is actually set, it’s May 19th 2012.  I’m excited, nervous, worried, happy, anxious…all rolled into one big stress ball of a me.  Thankfully this time of year FLIES by for me…2 sibling birthdays in October, then NaNo in November and Thanksgiving, then the Christmas season then Valentine’s day right after…parties galore and all after working from 6:45am-5:30pm.  At least I’ll have money!  I started Weight Watchers again when I hit my highest weight EVER (ugh) and I’m actually doing the ‘go to meetings’ one this time so I can’t just put my home scale in time out.  I’ve entered Dr. Oz’s Million Dollar Me Transformation Nation challenge too, which is pretty cool.  I like the PointsPlus program that WW does now, I feel like I can eat more, as fruits and most veggies are free.  Juice isn’t, but seriously, no one has ever gotten fat from fresh squeezed juice.

My car needs work…poor Sebastian is overworked and underpaid.  One of those things I’m really bad at is car maintenance….I forget to budget for it and ignore it til it breaks, then freak because it costs tons of money to fix.  *sigh*  I’m really trying to get out of that cycle…

I texted LB at the beginning of the month, before I went to Atlanta for Training.  As I’m good friends with E2, his girlfriend, it’s kind of hard to have him completely out of my life.  The text I sent said "Delete this.  I want to talk.  Just once, in person, just us.  After this you can choose if you want to try to be friends, or never speak to me.  I think we both have things we need to say.  If you want to not talk ever again, I need to know.  I have been honest with you all the way, I’d like the same or at least an answer.  If you don’t want to answer, I again need to be honest.  I have to be done entirely with you.  We ahve an important-to-me history, but I need to know if I should just let it go.  Let me be clear…I don’t want you back, but I want us as friends back, even if it takes a long time for us to get there.  Please answer."

After about 2 hours of nothing, I wrote back, "Ok.  Good luck with life.  I mean that, I want the best for you.  You may have it.  I hope so.  Take care."

The next day I get a text from him, first time in over a year, "Where do you want to talk"

This was literally right before I was going to Atlanta, so we agreed to get together after I got back, but have both been busy.  I need to do this for me, I think, even though most of my friends and family would probably tell me to just let it go.  I can’t.  It’s not that I haven’t tried, but we just had such a weird not ending to the relationship and a not really ended end to the friendship and he was such a big part of me for so long, I can’t just leave it alone.  That being said, I really don’t want him back.  We didn’t date for that long anyway, and I love Dread Pirate and really do want to marry him and grow old together.  What I do want is a kind of mutual understanding between me and LB of what exactly happened and why.  Such a girly move, but I do actually think he needs it too.  Even if it ends in us hating each other, that would be healthier than this ignore the other person’s existence while simultaneously internet stalking them.  And the sad thing is, we both do it!  There’s never been a time in the 10 years we were friends before we dated that we didn’t know what was going on with the other one and you know how some people just get your reactions to life?  He and I are like that.  I know that I can tell him about something and he immediately knows how it made me feel and why I reacted the way I did and how I’m handling it, and vice versa.  Well, in everything that doesn’t hit so close to home.  We were really bad as a couple, because we had unrealistic expectations of who the other person should be. 

See, all that without any therapy!  I kind of "White"’d that one out in a story line once.  If you didn’t get that comment, nevermind.  An explaination won’t help.

Okay, I feel like of "back" now.  Maybe I feel less stressed?  We’ll see.  Hey if I vanish, feel free to harass me on my email addy ladychatfield@gmail.com or on Facebook if you know who I am there.  This journal is back set to public, but notes are OD users only and you can still leave a private one if you don’t want others to see you.

That’s it for now, thanks for listening!

♥ Luthie