What It’s All About (Part 2)

God damn you all who did this to me.  Who made me hate myself so much.  Who made me believe that I was so long at fault….I’m not at fault any longer and yet you still have done your damage.  It’s like a wound now, a acab that will never heal because I can’t help but pick at it because it burns all the time.  ALL THE TIME!  I’m afraid of asking women out.  I’ve lost all touch with confidence, all sense that I deserve things, and though I know somewhere deep down that I’m a good guy and even some who have beaten me down before have now turned to try and lift me up, it’s too late!  IT IS TOO LATE!  Look at what you’ve done! It’s permanent.  Even the day I find a girl….even the day I finally find love, if it ever leaves me I’ll be afraid again…..because of this loneliness……and for every second I’m alone I think to myself about how awful I am and how much I deserve my fate and yet I hate myself inside for thinking it.  I thought that leaving Chetek would finally liberate me, but all it has done is give me a time to breathe and thus allowed myself to rise up from the ashes of the personalities forced on me.  I’m no longer the happy-go-lucky kiss ass.  You forced that upon me and I”ve abandoned him altogether.  But now, my real self, the miserable but decent fighter has risen again….but he cannot have full control of me….because you all still live on in me as a personality…..all those who beat on me have made me…..have made me create a personality that hates myself. 

So what is it all about? 

I’ll tell you now, come close and hear,

From what I know and hear and see, life is about nothing,

You are just a single being,

Meant to live and keep on living, breathe and keep on breathing,

And all you desire you do for no reason but you do…..

I’m tired now.  I’m going to lay down.  Nate, Andy, and I are going to watch Equilibrium tonight as well as Matrix: Reloaded and smoke a little pot.  For those of you who know me, I don’t actually do drugs, and this will be but my second time…but all I do know is that I just need to feel what it’s like…..I need to feel something more than this.  I want so badly these things I’ve talked about…..sooo badly…..and I don’t know anymore who or how to hate……I feel so helpless…..

So I desire love and believe I need it, too,

Yet dreams do not for desire’s sake come true,

Rather they just do,

Or they do not,

So in the end, your hands may hold the ropes of Fate,

But you will find when you awake that sometime you already let go,

Or the ropes were never there.  Then you soon forget to care

And pass on into another realm,

Where other’s eyes who believe in themselves

Despite the evidence and what you tell,

Stare down upon you with disdain or comedy,

And forget the seriousness of the being,

Forget the fact that you, too, are breathing, thinking, dreaming,

And thus they forget that your beliefs

Are just as right as there’s,

And it hurts because they do not care.