Walls

I shouldn’t let every little thing bother me, but I place so much importance on respect, trust, belief….I can’t help it.  I can’t help but become a fanatic when I get in an argument, but I’ve gotten so very very good at suppressing it that I can play the calm part well.  It’s just inside, if you could look into me you’d see me jumping up and down, wildly alive and angry and flailing.  I’m not a fool.  I’m exceedingly smart.  And if I wanted to I could prove it to everyone I wanted to, especially the people I’m desperate to have believe in my greatness even more than they already do.  But I don’t.  Because I am not a flaunter, because I shouldn’t have to, because I believe in the power and promise of words and what I say I mean.  I’m not a liar because a liar is someone who doesn’t value words…he knows the price of them, he knows how much they can cost, but he doesn’t know the value of them. 

I find myself forever alone when it comes to my opinions.  One is shared here, another there, but no one is like-minded with me on everything or even most things.  But I am fine with this.  I am fine with people wanting to understand me and letting them in and hoping that they will achieve this enlightenment which they seek…though deep down I believe that this enlightenment if discovered will just make me lost a bit of respect for them since I don’t believe you can understand another person fully.  However, I’m even-tempered and fully aware that maybe what people mean is that they want to understand you as fully as they can, and so I let them in.  It tends to invariably lead to ruin as the person gets a certain depth and strikes an impenetrable wall.  I am me and you are you.  We have to accept the fact that there are walls that we cannot break through.  That was what one of my original stories was all about and I need to rewrite it.  "Put the Hammer Through the Wall" was about a man trying to break through into someone else, but all you find is more concrete, more dirt, more Earth.  Our bodies are not built to be able to endure driving ourselves to the point of breakthrough.  We must stay with ourselves.

I do not agree with many things people say.  I have my formulated opinions and while I have done and read much research I believe mostly that facts are simply wastes of time…that people can get reports that read just about anything and it would be very difficult to argue who is more right.   What is the difference between the statement of the person next to you and a scientist who is only human?  Nothing.  The one could be astute and the scientist could have an agenda….we’re simply arguing semantic probabilities.  What I base more of my philosophy on is not so much the fact, but the observation of people.  I watch what makes them angry, sad, happy, loved, bemused, amused…and I try to assess how life should work to play into their better qualities.  I’m a keen human observer.  I’m sharper than most give me credit for…of course, it helps that my overwhelming paranoia leaves me questioning constantly and thus I really have three developed answers to any one query and thus it makes it a bit easier to be right. 

People are chaotic.  Not much of what we do is rational though we pretend it is.  I think that’s a silly thought, that we’re rational and intelligent creatures who base our world in logic.  I’m sorry I disagree with my dearest on the fact that her emotions would tear her away from me but her logic holds her here.  I think they’re both her emotions.  I think that if her logic wanted, she could find every reason for us not to be.  I just think that she’s super smart and knows that there are a lot of better reasons to stay.  I hope that came off cute and arrogant in a charming way, perhaps I need a wav. file.  But we are chaotic.  I make the joke, we make the joke, that we walk into walls….Kristen and I both do.  We miss the doorway and hit a wall.  But that is our nature.   I think it is a metaphor as well….though we talk about it literally.

I have seen doorways that have been open and wide and willing…and I have hit the walls right next to them, I’m aiming for something else, my mind is elsewhere.   The doorway is not my path.  The obstacle there is part of it.  Perhaps I am a masochist trying hard to convince a world full of people who are so in need to be right that what they believe in is just as right as everything they believe against.  They don’t seem to know how to possess conviction and tolerance at the same time.  The intolerance of preaching tolerance seems to be such that we can barely open our mouthes about the vast array of the world without being attacked by those already on defense.  It’s a viscious cycle, I’m sure they’ve been stepped on, too.

But we are chaotic and we will never ever ever fully understand one another.  I don’t know why we have to.  I think it’s because we can’t trust one another yet to watch out for more than themselves…that when it comes down to it, we’ll always default back to ourselves, that we won’t fight for the person next to us.  Even on trivial things we show how quickly we rationalize saying…well, this fight isn’t really worth it.  I make a lot of enemies because I’m not like this.  I’m not tolerant of people who say even something mild against my closest friends.  Oh, I rag on them, that’s my nature and if they asked me to stop I would…but I’m willing to go into a fist fight with a close friend for bashing a close friend…I’m willing to cut off all contact with someone who says that I’m crazy for loving Kristen, I’d spew the most violent and viscious tirade of curses upon the stupid WOW guild I’m in and quit immediately if Marie left.  I think we have to stand up less for what we believe in and more for who we believe in.  It’s very complicated, it seems forever on the precipice of contradiction, convalution, and hypocrisy, but the fact is, that is the nature of our world.  It has become utterly complicated.

I love people and believe they can believe whatever they want.  I even allow that people can believe in mass murder.  Of course, I believe that the social structure of our society is a good thing and that those people if caught should be punished and put to death, but once again, if you disagree, that is your choice.  Further, it is your freedom and right to say how little you think of my opinion and of me, how little you like this or that, how you lose respect for people who do this or that…but don’t then be angry when someone believes in the opposite anyway and thinks little of you for believing what you do.  I don’t want to be respected by everyone.  I want one or two of my closest friend’s respect, and even then, I only want them to respect that my viewpoint is valid and intelligent and not flawed and silly.  It is no more flawed than anyone else’s and I tend to find myself happier than most others.  It is only when I try to involve myself with other people in almost any social interaction that I become bothered.  It is why I was destined to be reclusive. 

So there it i

s.  Food for thought.