Tongue-Tied

Here’s to you, Rich.  The man who I’ll sorely miss from our house. 

Rich reminds me of Nate in a lot of ways.  He’s laidback, he’s relaxed…and in many ways I wish I could be like him in attitude.  Don’t get me wrong, there’s very little about me that I wish I could change…but both Nate and Rich possess the same tenderness that I feel I have, but they carry it and handle it so much better. 

Nate needs a girl in his life.  He loves relationships.  Rich does, too.  Rich is used to a lot of one-night stands and likes those as well, but Nate, which is why I love Nate, does not like them.  But both Rich and Nate can let go of things so much better.  They need and demand so much less.  If you asked them what they wanted, it would be something simple and, while some people might say my expectations are so much more beautiful and their’s base, I think it opposite.

I admire Nate because he wants and needs so little.  It’s not something I know I should admire.  But I truly envy it.  Marie says my passion is my gift and I love it, but I hate it because it is as much an interesting thing as it is a curse.  I hate my passion because it burns furiously and it is inside me where no one can see it.

I really don’t know what I’m saying.  I know what I want to say, I know how I want to say it, but I’m trying to find a way to get around to it without sounding terrible and hurting people’s feelings.  Because I care.  Nate would just say it. 

On my birthday Rachel called me after three weeks of nothing and wished me a Happy Birthday.  I was busy talking to other people and Rich was proud of me when I told her that she could call me some other time if she wanted to talk.  He was glad I didn’t put the ball in my own court.  He was proud that I gave her an example of how she treated me.

I felt good for it.  And that made me feel bad.  I don’t want to have to make people feel bad to get my point.  I don’t want to have to yell at people to get them to do things.  I just want to be able to say, "I don’t like this" and for people to try and make a concerted effort to not do it.  I HATE washing dishes everyday.  But nobody cares.  I HATE taking out the trash alone, bringing it back in, monitorring the house, cleaning up after people, scrubbing the toilets and the shower, going to the dollar store to buy toilet paper and paper towels and tissue.  I wish just once that I could do it at my convenience when I’m driving by rather than having to make a special trip because everyone else can’t be disturbed to stop on their way home though they pass the store.  Or they fill the trash to the brim but don’t change it.  Or they don’t even wash their dishes clean and put them in the dishwasher.  Or they don’t scrub the bathrooms, either of em (I have to scrub the one I don’t use).  I look at my room’s floor and want to vaccuum and feel like, what’s the point?  Since I’ve been busy cleaning everything else.

I’m just tired of people being rude and careless with other people.  I was saying recently that "It’s one things to do things for another person, it’s another to have them demanded of you."  And I know people who do make demands.  I know people who take for granted what I already do….I know people who tacitly make demands by not doing anything to aid.  Rachel is that person.  OH yeah, she wants us to be friends, but I HAVE to call her because otherwise, it doesn’t happen.  Ironically, if I picked the person I knew the least out of all my closest friends, it would also be the one who is the most committed to being the best: Marie. 

Ironically, we are bonded together forever in a wonderful way.  I love her friendship.  I feel bad because I fail her almost as much as she thinks she fails me.  I feel bad because I’m doing exactly what I preach against because I’m expecting people to get better still like an idiot. 

And I’m stopping now.  I’m stopping entirely.  Fuck you all if you’re going to be like this.  I’m not caring anymore for you.  I’ve said it and said it and said it and now I have to concentrate and practice it.  It might actually motivate the rest of these people who are dicks to start thinking. 

You are good and wonderful to the people who are good and wonderful to you and fuck everyone else.  And if someone is too busy giving their time to someone else, some jag-off who doesn’t deserve it…well…stop trying and see what they decide.  I’m sure it will be depressing who they choose 75% of the time, but the 25% should be enough to keep you going.  It’s better than not going at all.

This all feels wrong and off, but it’s what I’m thinking and feeling.  I wish i could stop feeling rotten, or more appropriately, surrounded by rot.