The Yeagers

Hello everyone! I hope all is well. I’ve been reading all your diaries and sorry I haven’t noted, I just don’t know what to say to most of you at this point of your lives…..nor do I feel that my advice or encouragement is worthy of giving….it would probably be along the same lines as everything I’ve said before.

Right now I’m at the Yeager’s house in River Falls, spending a few days here while we rehearse “The Complete Works of Shakespeare [abridged].” My part is great, though, once more, completely and utterly embarrassing as I’m the guy who has to play all the women characters….but what the heck, hey? I’m sure I’ll look killer in a dress.

Things are pretty boring right now, just me sitting at the house alone and going out for fast food for all my meals and sleeping until noon. I can’t wait until Friday when I can go home, have a few wholesome meals and then move into my dorm room for Summer Theatre….because that means I’ll soon get paid. Yippee for that.

I’ve got to start working on writing scripts and such again…it’s been awhile and I’ve just been kind of in a lethargic state with it all. I really want to get leaping into it again and I’m pretty sure this afternoon I’ll start my work since there’s nothing to do, though I have to go get a haircut first. I have so many ideas crawling around in my head and yet I seem to not ever put a dent in finishing all the things I want to finish. Yikes. At least my life will always be busy.

And finally, ah yes, my most important of all endeavors: love. So where has love left me right now? Actually, for once it seems I’ve left it. After watching “About Schmidt” I got to thinking and revamping all the things I want from a relationship and I’ve really narrowed it down to a basic philosophy that I think can stick. It’s a rather cold, harsh, and risky one, but nevertheless, in the end I think that when I finally do find that special someone, it will be more wonderful than words can describe.

The fact is that I want to be with someone that I feel honored to be with. Someone that I don’t feel I deserve and yet who I feel I do deserve. That may seem a contradiction, but it really is not. I want to feel that this woman belongs with someone else, but I need to feel that she feels as honored by being with me as I am with her, and the joy that my being with her brings to her will make me feel deserving in the end. That is what I want and it is an ideal that too many people think far-fetched and unattainable and yet, it is the only way love and marriage can really work.

I am of the firm belief that too many people marry because they are in search of love: this is by far the most foolish choice of action to find such a thing. Marriage does not create love and love does not beg for marriage. All marriage is is a ring on the finger that is supposed to fool those into believing that they are safe from being alone again. The only smart thing about marriage is shared assets.

I was having this deep discussion with Brittany from “Ten Little Indians” in Perkins until 2:30 in the morning and this is when I began to really flesh everything out. The fact is I have really always lived by the standards I’m discussing now, but I never really vocalized them to caution those who stepped into the trap of Brad Jennings. The fact of the matter is, as anyone who has read this diary thoroughly can tell, I love far too easily. I love people for their beauty, inner or outer, or for some singular thing that makes them endearing or special. And I can fascinate myself with that minutest of details for as long as I desire and that’s what makes me so…well un-picky.

The problem is that I’m not the kind of man who loves a single person at a single time. Because the goal in my life is to make people feel wonderful inside. Not only through entertainment which is my working endeavor, but with women, to make them feel special and beautiful and wonderful, the way I think they are. I’ve done a pretty good job I think, though my difficulty is I usually end up with the already emotionally damaged women who don’t trust me farther than they can throw me….which is usually not too far except for the case of Katie, who was very very very strong.

So they do not trust me…nor men in general, nor life, nor anything. So why believe the words I say, especially when they themselves have never thought of themselves that way? And thus fighting past this is an almost impossible thing, especially when I eventually break-up with them. And I feel bad for it, but I just cannot stay with someone that is not….is not the person I want to love.

The fact of the matter is I’m quite cold and calculated for a hopeless romantic. I have far too many warring personalities in me spawned from all the characters I have been and created. I love very passionately and whenever I am single, I feel a longing to kiss someone again…to be close to them….to love them and make them smile…and yet at the same time, I’m more than willing to remain alone or even to break-up with someone when I could easily stay with them for longer. The fact is that I weigh the people I’m with. If I see someone attractive that I’m getting along with and a great thing is starting to happen, but I’m in a relationship, I will weigh my options and choose the better….because in the end I’ll be happier and the person I’m with will be…..maybe not the person I break-up with….but the fact is she would not be very happy if I stayed and was always melancholy.

So that’s the way I work, and it is cold and dangerous and may instill fear into whoever I’m seeing, but at the same time I feel that when that person wakes up with me next to them they can know that I would rather be with them than anyone else in the whole world that I know….and if that isn’t the most empowering and wonderful feeling, I don’t know what is. Though I must admit, I’ve never felt it myself.

At the moment, my current infatuation and fancy actually lies with dear Brittany….who is taken but I’m almost positive is attracted to me….once again I’m not sure if the signals are correct, since my past has not been a good one for the reading of women.

Adieu for now, I must shower and go eat lunch and talk to Ken about moving into the dorms. Have a wonderful day everyone….