The Problem of Beauty (Cont)

I’m in love with Marissa. Sheesh. Look at that. If you were to scroll through my diary, if it wasn’t for the vast tomes of poetry and writings that I have separating my entries, you would realize how quickly my heart attaches….it let’s go easily, too…but there is always pain in it.

People always laugh when I talk about my hygiene….because I take ten minutes to do my hair and always wear stylish shirts and rarely do I sport a t-shirt….but I do it because everyday I meet people who I want to look good for….everybody. That’s the point of clothes now…to look good….perhaps for yourself, but more for those people who pass you by. They don’t think about it…they don’t even care what you’re wearing or even notice…..but the fact of the matter is some people do notice….and some people like me do care. And I’m not saying because one doesn’t dress up all the time means that they can’t give the same effect. I’m just saying that those who just throw stuff on each day and trudge around are missing out on the whole point of providing one more thing of beauty for all to see. There is by far enough that nature offers…..but there is a lot more that can be done.

I think of the women I know….I think of who was beautiful and who was just attractive or just hot….and the fact of the matter is, there have been very few really beautiful people in my life. Stephie was one of them, because she cared about her appearance…because she always cared about it.

If ever there was a foolish sin…as in a thing that should not be sinful, it is vanity. I understand that to idolize something other than ‘the one true god’ is a sin and that is why Vanity is, but a mild vanity should be appreciated. I believe that those who take the time to make themselves look good deserve not to be called vain and egotists.

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I have come to realize just how shitty actors are as people. Nobody notices anything. They see through you, forget you….barely listen to a word you say. They aren’t even really there at all and dump most everything out of their brain immediately.

Maybe that’s why love always struck me as so wonderful. When someone loves another person, they always listen…they always remember. That’s what I remember about Rachel…..she remembered everything…..and she always listened and always watched….

The other day I talked about how I wanted the MC in Cabaret and how nobody thinks I’m a good singer it seems. Everybody loves Greg, and that’s fine…but I always thought I was a good singer but time and time again I seem to be overlooked and ignored. I told Nancy this and she’s said: “I wish I could say something, but I’ve never heard you sing.” And she has. I sang two whole CDs and she didn’t remember. And it’s the same with other people who have been at auditions where I’ve sung or even in shows with me. They say they’ve never heard me sing…..Marissa asked if I could sing very high and I was a high tenor in ‘Radio Hour’ with her.

Nobody really knows how much it hurts to not be listened to when you say something. To not have people remember things. It makes you feel unimportant and rightfully so since obviously you are. That’s a horrid horrid feeling.

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I went fishing for a compliment the other day and didn’t even get a boot. That sucks, too. I have never been one who really needed a pat on the back, but I needed one then and all I got was a big load of nothing…..

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And the problem with beauty…the main problem with beauty, is everyone wants to have it for themselves and for their lovers….and those who are more base in instinct can overlook it as they satisfy their need to procreate and please themselves. Me….I can’t seem to look beyond it….I can’t give into instinct and base desire…..I always need to satisfy everything.

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The most terrifying thing of all….the thing that really worries me and rings on every hour in my very soul, striking such a chord that it makes me somewhat hopeless….is that I do not know how to find someone to love me.

We all say it will come in time. Stop looking, stop waiting….stop hoping……and it will come. It finds you, you don’t find it……..but that is a lot easier to say than do….especially when it’s all you want and all you need.