The Problem of Beauty

Ah beauty haunts me once more.

I will admit freely, with some regret and disappointment, that I am obsessed with beauty. A woman who I do not consider beautiful will never hold my attention for a moment…..I am sorry to say. A good personality will make me like them, but I will, in the end, always turn away from them to seek out a beautiful woman. It is a vice to have to seek such a thing, to be so narcissistic….but that is who I am and no matter how hard I struggle to change it, I think it is almost instinct.

I over-stepped myself in believing that people can change. Sometimes they can and sometimes they can’t. All behavior ingrains itself into a being…the only behaviors that one can stop are the ones that have not had enough time to dig themselves in deep. My search for vanity can’t be erased.

Now, this is a compliment for all my girlfriends, because I don’t think I’ve ever had to sacrifice myself and give into a moment of passion and feel loved by dating someone who I didn’t find beautiful. Instead, I have always been able to find beauty.

Katie was attractive. She wasn’t beautiful, but she had a strong independence that made me want to be with her. She said what she felt, no bull, no lines, and she never got down just because. She was sensible.

Stephie I thought was beautiful. She always maintained her looks and I love that….I love when a woman makes herself beautiful or tries to keep herself as such. Women and men who don’t care….well…they show an independence, but the fact of the matter is that those who do make others feel special…they make others feel as if they are important enough for the girl to look her best. That was Stephie, though the thought behind it was not the same one stated above.

Rachel just had a natural beauty…her eyes were always wonderful to look into and her laugh and voice and mannerisms were always unique…I will never find someone like her again I think…and that makes me happy.

Sarah had a great personality and sense of humor and was willing to do anything. That’s all I can say…she was attractive…but not beautiful.

Ah…I gotta stop this. Always talking, always talking. The fact of the matter is my mind is obsessed with beauty and love and romance. I crave so whole-heartedly to be desired by the women that I desire that it hurts, that it drives me crazy….it almost makes me feel like I’m a fruit-cake.

I spent the day with Marissa and the others in APO doing stuff for initiations and every moment I thought to myself…Marissa is beautiful…and she is. She has all those qualities that most modern women have forgot due to laziness and lack of self-respect. Marissa carries herself with grace, she moves with poise, her posture is pristine and she always looks gorgeous. Her sense of style is excellent and she never once looks frumpy. That’s why she holds my attention despite the fact that she is somewhat picky. I know it would never work out….I want it to and I might even fight for it if ever anything happened….but she believes in religion and hates swearing and most violent/perverse things and me, well I’m open to anything and liable to do anything. I suppose it may work depending on how willing Marissa would be to allowing me my freedoms. If we had children they’d be wierd though…I’d tell you that. Cuz Marissa and I are at the opposite ends of the spectrum in personality, too….which makes it all the harder.