The Lost (Cont II)

Fear has such hold on me. It is like the wind, wrapping itself around me and always there, but never really the thing that holds me in place, just the thing that I hear affecting everything else. It affects everything, and I am yet to blind to see the real motions of fear to avoid it. All I can see are the signs where it touches….the leaves and the trees and my hair.

One love. One moment of love for you, for any of you who I now love…one moment of love for you, you who I feel so strongly for. One minute where you tell me that I can say anything and that minute will be spent without fear….without the threat that when the minute ends you’ll remember the words I said to you and the tears I shed and the passion which I expelled from every pore of me and perhaps I could believe myself strong enough to build myself back to what I lost so long ago. But it does not work so. Everything I say is permanent, and unforgettable….in its own way. The words themselves fade like the pictures in my mind, but the feeling always remains. That’s why liars win so much. People forget the words and the point, they just remember how they felt…and a man who makes you love him with his words is powerful, for you forget why you love him, but you just remember you do…….

And I reach home. The long walk ends. The trail has stopped and the wind dies down as I step into the building and climb the stairs and step into the dark apartment where everyone is gone. The ghosts that live there move about invisibly and I forget about TV and a pop and I go to bed and lay there thinking how much I wish there was someone to hold. Just for warmth. Just for the sake of knowing that I was lucky enough to have someone…..but I know deep down and have settled my mind so that I know that I only want to lay next to someone I desire….that I need.

And then the light of a car casts shadows on my wall and my thoughts change one final time.

I am so tongue-tied and bamboozled. I’m a confusion and mess of things when I see and think of you. You have no real solid name that spans the length of time, nor a look, not even a smile or an abstract thing for my heart loves so easily….some of its doors have yet to seal…..and with you I would not be afraid of the doors that I would shut, for I’ll have crossed through the threshold of the only one I ever want to know. And I cannot speak to you except in words that do not come out right because no man is lucky enough to explain to you what you mean. And I cannot hold you just right, because there is no way to pay you back for something that only my heart and soul understand and not my brain. All I can hope is that somewhere in the midst of touching you and telling you how much you mean to me just for being, I strike the same chord and you realize that for some odd reason you can’t explain, this wretched pathetic wreck who wanders home at night and watches the star rather than the moon and feels his fears around him like the wind is the only man who knows truly what love is….or at least what the ultimate feeling of love feels like. It is as blinding as the lights of the car…..it is that single star that pushes out from beyond the moon…….it is the mixture of nature and man……and it is the long walk home that ends with sleep and touch.

In the beauty of every moment and every moment of regret I see your face….the ghost of an image that is but a shape. I know your name….in part…..and you have many pieces to the whole…..and all I wish is for a single shard of what could be the perfect bliss.

I close my eyes and sleep.