Sonnet #8: Bekah Gast

Metaphor, simile, painted pictures of such sweet beauty

Too oft have I created to try and sway some subtle, soft heart,

Too oft has it forbiddingly failed, too oft has it left me banished in self-pity,

Only for me to move on as if I had never had a start.

I know my wondered words did not come out the way I thought,

You felt them singe and sting, I meant only to please,

Yet perhaps it was my foolish fear, a failure in me, or what I am naught

That has turned my words I oft call honey, to what you oft call disease,

And now I remain in shamed silence, to make no more evil harm,

In truth, I’d rather speak again and force my twisted tongue,

Perhaps sway you again and bring you into my undeserving arms,

Mayhaps I will, or mayhaps I won’t, who knows which way is really wrong,

Yet if I stupidly struggle on or if I quit away, let me simply, sweetly say,

Of all the sorrow I dredge up again, yours hurts most in so many ways.

<I>Then: </I>

Bekah Gast was quiet and shy, just like her sister, but more superficial in expressing it.  She didn’t overstep her bounds, she had subtle wit, possibly the funniest and most wittiest wit I have ever seen.  She was smart, God was she smart, and I don’t think there has been anyone else that I have met who has so captivated me with their speech.  When Claire speaks, it is her energy that captures me, with Bekah it was always her inner-intelligence.  She almost seemed to be trying to suppress it and keep it secret. 

She was quirky.  She knew it.  And she used the quirks on purpose and when she did she’d break out into a smile and a slight laugh whenever she did.  She’d avert her eyes.  She did that quite often, too.  She was shy and yet she wasn’t.  I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so completely paradoxical.  It was fascinating and wonderful.  And I don’t mean like a piece of art or some object…and I don’t mean in a way that makes me think her in a bad light….she was just odd and wonderful.  Who knows if that is good or bad.  I always thought it was good.

We, too, met during ‘You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown,’ and I’m beginning to wonder if she thought I hated her when we met, because I know that many women here think I hate them when we first meet and they’ve begun to confess it.  I doubt it.  I hope not.  We used to spend hours talking about books and things, just about every moment off stage really….so how could she have thought I hated her?  I’m not sure.  Well, I do know…it was my condescending tone.  I couldn’t help it.  When a Jennings hears about something they don’t believe, they accost the speaker in a way that makes them feel about an inch big.  We learned it from our parents.

Anyway, in the end, Bekah and I shared great times.  We saw X-Men even though she had no idea what it was about..and we had ice cream.  I still want to watch X2 with her and do the same thing.  But I made a mistake in getting pulled away from her because she didn’t seem interested.  I never fought hard enough after that first Bekah…..so I just gave up and tried for something easier and less painful.  And that was Jess at the time.  And because of it I think Bekah always thought I called to talk to Jess, but I didn’t, always called to talk to her.  I didn’t realize at the time that she probably thought that, I just thought she never wanted to talk to me…and maybe that’s it too.

<I>Now: </I>

I often think about calling Bekah, but I just get this frightened feeling that she would find it wierd.  I have no idea what she’s up to anymore, I don’t know if she even cares or thinks about me or what I’m doing.  I saw her friend Callie the other day when Catharsis came and put on a presentation and all I could think of was Bekah and I wondered what she was up to.  She was always far more private….and she thought other things…..but I could never really read her well…..

I hope you are well, Bekah.  I hope you are magnificent in fact, and I hope that you are remaining as strong-minded as you were, even though you thought that you were shy and impressionable.  I hope you realize that you are amazing.  I hope you forgive me for being an ass, which is synonymous with Jennings.  I hope so many things for both you and your sister, and I really wish that we were still close. 

When I wrote the sonnet I questioned myself about whether I really meant the ending.  Whether that whole point I spoke about just above was really true.  And it is.  I can tell you now because of things that I’m too insecure to talk about, that it really is true that I regret more than anything not talking with you more.  Maybe I’ll call you.  Maybe I won’t.  Who ever knows, hm?

Funny that Jessica’s entry made me hate those towns, and Bekah’s entry made me remember the greatest points of light within them.  Two sisters.  I think I’ll write a screenplay or a novel about the two of you, at least inspired by my own thoughts on the two of you…..