Sonnet #4: Lindsey Oleskow

Somewhere I made a mistake

In knowing you,

Because all you are is fake,

When all you seemed was true,

You said words that you didn’t mean,

You lead me on without a single hint,

And maybe I was blinded by the gleam

Of your golden eyes which can’t help but glint,

You were beauty complete,

I hate you for all the lies

For making me stumble on my own feet,

For building me up with your eyes,

You said pretty things and I believed them all,

Which is why I’m so hurt from this fall.

On Lindsey

Then/Now

Then and now are the same for now. It hasn’t been long enough and you would wonder why she comes fourth, but really, my crush on Lindsey began long ago during my sophomore year, after Hilary was gone and Bekah had faded from my memory.

And there is something about Lindsey that I don’t really understand and that has baffled me for so long that I don’t think there is an answer. You see, she was beautiful…but not in a beautiful way. She had great blonde hair and brilliant golden-eyes and well……I always had that boyhood crush.

And long after Hilary, a Christmas time appeared and she made a joke about me getting her a gift…and I got one for her. A glass hummingbird with golden bill….and I gave it to her on Christmas and never a thank-you, never a mention. It was as if the moment had never happened…but I’ve got a brilliant memory….and….and well I can see it still…me handing her the gift as she passed me by and me watching her go. She didn’t look in the bag…she didn’t look back. Who the hell knows what happened with it.

And that was Lindsey in a nutshell. She said things and wanted things and when you gave them to her, it was all over. No thanks, no words of encouragement or appreciation…just a blind disregard for you. And yet I was smitten because when we talked she always listened and she was so naive and beautiful and so fragile…..and she was that: fragile. Her insecurities ran and run so deep that you can barely imagine….

She didn’t care what anyone said or did and she said that was because she didn’t care…but that wasn’t it. She didn’t care what anyone said because she thought they were wrong….because she couldn’t handle not being right. She had been raised and spoiled all her life and used men and money because she could and knew she could…..she was a terrible person…..but she felt guilt….she always felt bad but couldn’t help herself.

It was as if two forces were fighting through her body and her voice and mind was this silent spectator who was trying to rationalize the two sides as they cut each other’s throats and pulled each other’s hair. It was incredibly difficult.

And she said so much that encouraged me to believe that she loved me. She asked what college I was going to and even came to the same college after we agreed we should. That was something big to me. Why ask me if there wasn’t a reason? And she always visitted and we always did things and she always seemed to drop hints. Hell, we even agreed to get married.

And then I told her I loved her….and she vanished. Vanished completely. She’s too busy now for even a moment to try and call me and she lied about trying to get ahold of me, because she doesn’t try anymore. Sometimes I feel like calling her just to get some idea of what the hell happened…..of what really happened and why she just shut up and stopped when she said she would never do such a thing.

I have to stop writing these sonnets. They’re not helping at all. All they’re doing is just making me remember people I’ve had a crush on and failed with or boring my readers….I mean really, this isn’t helping anyone…..only invoking pity which I don’t want or need. Because there’s no benefit in being pitied.

Good night.