Sonnet #1: Cont.

As for Bekah herself, I’ve met plenty of attractive women since her, so there is extreme hope that instills me a bit. Sometimes I feel like maybe asking her why it was that she really didn’t even give me a chance. But I’m sure it will be just simple “I didn’t want to or I didn’t like you.” It’s all preference I suppose, though the fact of the matter is that one only has their own mind to really reference and my mind is such that I wouldn’t be so nasty as to turn someone down without a chance.

To Bekah

There are mixed feelings always. For some reasons I hate you. For some reasons I will never forgive you, no matter how young and naive you were, because that is no justification. Because there were others in the world who did not act the way you did, there were others who knew better early on. To say that your youth was what stopped you would be a lie and wrong. And for the things you did to me which were by far inappropriate….I won’t forgive that either. It’s not really me who needs to forgive you in the end, right? Not to mention, you probably don’t care or ever think about it. I’m sure you don’t even remember it. But I do. I remember the half white, half purple heart eraser. I still have it. I still remember you on the swings going up and down and back and forth and laughing uproariously as you turned me down. I still remember the dance in the Middle School Cafeteria as we broke away for the end of the year….and it was a great moment…..and one of my last really good and carefree ones.

I will never forgive you for making me give up. For not even giving me the chance to realize it was a mistake on my own but shutting me down before I learned on my own. I will never forget it either. You broke down the one thing that I had that I prided myself on when I was young. In a school where everybody beat me up because of my brains and the fact that I used my skills…..all I had to pride myself was my heart and my love and I knew it was something special. And you broke it and sucked it free and now I feel far more normal in my feelings. To lose the feeling of being extraordinary is a great tragedy. Congratulations on doing that.

In the end, I really am not bitter. There are a lot of bitter thoughts and over time I feel many bitter moments….but my life goes on and there have been plenty of blessings that have made me feel better about myself and my confidence builds with each moment of success….but you have had nothing to do with that…..so really you did nothing but damage me.

This is the way this all begins. A memory of bitter, sad times. From here it can only get better…..that’s what I thought at the time and it remains true.