Sinful Song

I should be doing other things,

Things that will make me strong,

Things that will shape my life,

Things that I cannot make myself do….

I shouldn’t be on here,

I shouldn’t be feeling this for you….

I shouldn’t be feeling so much pain,

This is not what I should feel….

I should not feel as if this death is real….

I should not feel as if I’m dead

When all that could have killed was what you said.

And yet that’s all I hear,

And yet that’s all I know,

And yet that’s all that has done this,

There’s no hope even in your kiss

There’s no hope at the brink

Where I stand and slowly sink…..

Where I hate and scream and cry….

Where I slowly wish that I

Would really bleed and hurt and die……

So that this hollowness would fade,

So that this anger would subside….

So that this life would be worthwhile….

But no, that can’t be my fate,

But no, none will give me a break,

But no, I can’t have the joy I crave,

God won’t give me that today,

God won’t give me it at all

Cuz God’s so big and I’m so small

And he knows best,

And he knows what’s right,

And he knows dark and he knows light,

Well I know anger, and I know pain,

I know tears that fall like rain,

I know that I can’t handle all that I feel,

I know that this is far too real,

That all my life I’ve fought for things

That I felt with a passion that stings

That I felt with a song that rings

Through the hearts of solid stone,

Through the walls of solid bone,

Up to the heavens and His throne,

And yet he doesn’t hear,

And yet he holds me down in shadow,

And lets me hope about tomorrow,

When all tomorrow ever brings,

Just like every single day and everything

That ever possibly builds my hopes…

Is just more pain

Is just more rage,

Is just more seconds that feel like days….

And He can kill me now,

And He can strike me down,

And He can make me ill or worse,

I’ll fight against him all the more,

I’ll fight him to his very door,

And beat him back,

For all I lack,

For all I feel,

For all I ever loved,

For all this pain that’s just too real,

For all the passion held inside

A body fated never to have it spent,

To never give it in a single cent.

Go ahead and make my day,

You who knows the better way,

You who rewards the true,

Why do I believe in you?

Why does anyone hold true

That someone has the power to create

A thing that all he does is fill with hate,

Every pain is just a test of faith,

If I’ve not proven it by now, then it’s too late,

Yet judgement does not come til death,

Yet still I suffer in this hell,

Yet still I stand alone, apart,

Yet still I feel nothing in my heart

That wasn’t born in its chambers.

Do I kneel,

Do I yield?

Do I stand defiant?

What do I do?

I ask of you?

Who has His will and has His way

And makes man do it everyday….

Am I to be the suffering poet?

Am I to give love but never know it?

Am I to rhyme away my life

In sonnets and soliloquies of strife,

Watching each and every beauty conceived,

Knowing I will give her love but not receive?

Call me fool,

Call me brat,

Call me this and this and that,

Call me a waste,

Break my bones,

Break everything I’ve ever known,

Won’t do any good,

Never will, never could,

My heart’s been broken,

My soul’s been defiled,

And what makes me seethe inside,

Is that despite all my parents tried,

I believed in the loving God, decried

By my devoted friends,

And all the time,

That I’ve spent with him in heart and mind,

He has been the one who did the crimes

Against me.

No devil could hold such sway,

Over a man who has so much love to give,

I may be fool to God but this I know,

The devil on my soul has no hold,

Only God do I fight to believe,

Has planned something more for me,

And this faith used to get me by,

Used to make me not scream and cry

When I got beat and battered,

By fist, by stick, by foot, by mouth,

By bullies, parents, siblings,

By fate and fortune, folly and time,

By every love I wanted to be mine…..

But no more does this faith hold on me,

I prayed to God and he abandoned me…..

You think I’m lost,

You pray for my soul,

You think that I’m in danger of some evil hell,

I’m already there, from what I can tell.

So don’t waste your words,

Don’t waste your prayers,

I do not want them to hit His ears,

If He spares me it will be

Not for the faith I put in He,

Not for the love I put in she,

Just the love and faith He has in me….

Just the shame he has for breaking me…..

To prove that I believed…..

Oh I believe….

Oh I believe…….

He’s won that mark,

I give it to Him,

Wish he’d tried to see,

If pleasure would have

Still made me believe.