Set the Record Straight

I’ve only been furious once before this…one other time where the word furious really fit the bill.  It was with Stephanie being her belligerent fucking self during our long, over-drawn break-up where I clung to threads to try and maintain some semblance of contact.  But oh well.

Here’s the feeling again, and right about now, girls or not, I would kick their asses for saying such bullshit about me.  The fucking gaul to not only say it but believe it mortifies me to be honest.  And though they both read this probably, I don’t give a flying fuck since they obviously are willing to believe that I’m a bad person.  Who the FUCK knows why.

Here’s what I don’t get, although I’m not a woman so obviously (horrible stereotype but I’m angry) I don’t have the issues of throwing all logic out the window for a moment of melodramatic stupidity.  But here we are:

Kate.  I loved Kate.  I wanted to marry Kate and have children with her.  But SHE couldn’t handle any distance.  Because she’s deep down an affection whore.  She wants people to love her and adore her and gets angry when she is not as idolized as she thinks she’s worth.  It’s her biggest problem in college.  How DARE they not single her out and recognize her brilliance and achievements (which are few and far between because she won’t do them so much until she’s recognized.)  It’s not about that.  It’s just about doing it.  If you think River Falls is a joke, then you don’t get it.  You don’t get college.  I’m sick and tired of everybody acting like it’s the job of the school to make you a good learner and an excellent student.  Do you think these teachers have the time to fucking waste on every pissant who thinks they deserve special treatment? 

Perhaps I’m jaded cuz I got that treatment in my classes.  But I’ve always gotten it.  Why?  Cuz I fucking tried hard and got good scores.  I didn’t kiss ass, I didn’t suck up, I just did my job and did it well and they recognized it.  I’m sick and tired of your god damn woe is me crap.  You fucking chose your shitty life and continue to make poor choices still.  And maybe you want to question whether Dana is really somebody you want to deal with since she used to take delight in the fact that other people despised you, Kate.  She actually used to tell me how she relished in the fact that you cried and were upset over being kicked around so in the theatre department.  OH sure, she hated you because you hated her she’ll say….because Dana thinks that makes it okay. 

As for our relationship, our relationship ended at the very end of my senior year.  You couldn’t handle the distance, you started talking about breaking up, you settled on taking steps back, you were overly possessive nevertheless.  I still am not sorry for the time you showed up at my apartment thinking I was sick when I asked you not to come.  You came and got angry at me for having the audacity to actually go out and take some time to deal with issues.  You were always selfish.  You liked me because I made you happy, you didn’t like me because you liked making me happy.  In fact, sometimes, you downright avoided that.

How is it that if I cheated on you with Dana and Stephanie that it was ok for you to make out/kiss Jordan Cassavant.  Or get all touchy and feely with him.  You think people don’t say things to me?  ‘

And Dana, how dare you think so little of me.  You and your god damn self destructive holier than everybody else attitude.  You know what, you couldn’t cut it in the real world so you came back, that’s the truth.  You know how harsh it is out there, yeah, you’ve got a dose of reality that Nate and others need.  But you also don’t have the right to think you’re amazing because you’ve yet to prove it.  No matter how much Nate pisses you off, you should’ve had tact insulting him and picking a fight the same weekend his grandmother was dying.  You’re so fucking selfish and such a god damn snob.  No wonder you and Kristy became such fast friends.

I’m so angry it doesn’t even begin.  I’m angry because I care about both of you deeply and now I have nothing I can do about it.  I could’ve not written this.  I could’ve not said nasty things, but then, you know I’m thinking them so I might as well say them.  And what am I supposed to do now, huh?  Forget it?  I don’t forget.  I’m not an easy forgiver either.  Something I think all three of us seem to have in common.

And finally….how is it that only you Kate seem to get the impression I’m a deplorable and sadistic stereotypical guy?  Ask my ex-girlfriends down the line if they could EVER imagine me doing what you’ve accused me of, and you’ll find that everyone would say "No."  The worst I’ve ever done is not fought hard enough to salvage something someone else was helping to let fall apart.  I never cheated on you in my world and definition and everybody else seems to have the same story about what went on.  Except you.

And as for you Dana.  You must think I’m really fucking stupid and random to one night walk my ass back down to the bar to drive your car to my apartment cuz you were shit-faced and then to turn around and be that big of a douche.  And what a hypocrite I must be after all my complaints about other guys.  And what a FUCKING idiot I’d have to be to lie to both of you when I knew you were going to River Falls together…as if that sort of god damn escapade would ever remain secret. 

I must have been secretly behind both of you pulling strings nefariously laughing.  I should wear a black cape.  What a bunch of fucking stupid bullshit.

If you don’t want to apologize, don’t bother talking to me again, either of you.  I’ll apologize for whatever you think I’ve done wrong, if you want to sit down with me and hash it out, I’ll hash it out.  But you know what, I don’t have a clue what to expect from any of you.  Perhaps this is all an act too, an elaborate lie, one I’ll never back down from and until I can supply some hard evidence, you’ll never believe me.  Unfortunately, there is no hard evidence, so you have a choice, you lose a guy who up til now has been a friend to you apparently (although secretly evil), or you perhaps believe that he’s not deluded, he didn’t do anything wrong as far as he’s concerned, he didn’t lie, he didn’t cheat, but whatever.

I don’t forgive you for saying what you’ve said.  I don’t forgive you for thinking I’m capable of that despite all evidence to the contrary.  I don’t forgive you for making me cry at work and ruining my day already worse than it had been.  God damn it, why do I bother?

AND ONE FINAL THING: If Kate and I were still exclusive, no matter how good at backrubs you are Dana, I never ever ever ever would have picked you over her even for a fling.