Redlight

I didn’t make the top 100.

Just thought I’d let you all know. Keep you up-to date.

Reading the titles of some of the shows that went on, I’m kind of surprised. Some sound retarded. But hey, maybe the title is deceiving. Oh well.

And how do I feel about this? I think I should be dejected, depressed, upset…bothered. But I’m not. I’m not happy. I’m sort of dazed. I’m sort of unsurprised.

To be honest, I really hoped I’d make it. I really really wanted it. Who doesn’t, though? I thought I really deserved it. I thought my screenplay was deeper and better then most, but of course, when does deep thought factor in to anything, anymore?

I have said many times that I don’t need nor want to prove anything to myself. I think I’ve been lying, or at least wrong. I think that all my life I’ve been struggling to prove that I’m as smart and talented as I believe. People tell me all the time, but it’s me who is the skeptic. I’m the one whose confidence oozes from every pore, putting off more people then it impresses, but at the same time, I don’t believe it for a moment. Because the benchmarks for me that would prove I’m talented have yet to be achieved. And I suppose I also want to prove to the critics that I can do it…..but oh well, huh?

I think there’s nothing left to be disappointed, maybe? What am I saying? I don’t know right now.