Put the Hammer Through the Wall

Maybe later there will be another entry entitled this. Last night I wrote a short story, only five pages, that was entitled this. It helped me feel a bit better and a bit worse at the same time.

In the words of the immortal Eric Clapton, “Nobody knows you when you’re down and out.” And I’m sure he probably stole that from someone else, but hey, I only heard him sing it so he gets the credit.

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Thank you to everybody who came to see the show, especially Angie and Nikki…mostly you two because you’re the only ones who read this that could physically come to the show. It was great to see you there and I really felt the love…;).

So anyhoo, the Claire thing is over with. You know, I really hoped it would work out, I really felt quite happy when I was with her, and I guess I’d be more emotionally aware of how probably sad I am, but I’m just so god damn angry with the world in general. Not any of you, mind you, you’re all just fine and dandy in my book.

The fact of the matter is, she’s obsessed with her ex-boyfriend and I guess that Ken, though I didn’t want to believe him, was the right one in the end. She was just stringing me along….probably. I can’t make claims for sure, who knows…I’m not saying it’s her fault….it’s mine…..for believing Wayne was right…but I’m ranting now and not making much sense.

As for ‘Cabaret,’ I’m still in it. And now I can’t back out, simply because there’s no other place to go. Meg thinks I can’t do serious, well I think I’ve pretty much shut her up on that level, and the fact that I sing more powerfully and better than any other guy in the cast just makes me feel all warm and toasty on the inside, and also angry.

When did the world suddenly decide that age was the best factor to determine intelligence and experience. I’m twenty years old and quite impertinent and stubborn and years down the line I might learn some lessons about myself, but I have always been an open and honest person, the kind of guy who always was upfront with himself in every way he could. And the fact of the matter is to have Meg believe she knows the kind of part that I need to work on is insulting, especially to an actor like me.

I watch other actors and know that they do not spend time outside of rehearsal thinking about how best to make their character interesting. I know for certain that Mike doesn’t. He’s a dumbass. He just gets on stage and says the lines and pretends. He doesn’t become the character. And he’s just too fucking gay…..so fucking gay. And he can’t sing. And he’s just the same as he always is….and so on and so on go the rants I continually hammer out.

Everytime I watch him perform I want to vomit. I feel cheated….I feel abused. I feel as though all the hardwork that I have poured out year after year after year is nothing to anyone. It doesn’t matter that I have remained loyal to the theatre, that I have helped create new opportunities for actors and have invested my heart and soul into every production I do. That doesn’t matter one bit to anyone but the people who have no power in offering reward. It’s a thankless life…and it sucks.

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As for Claire and love in general, it comes time to acknowledge the fact that I really have finally grown beyond the two phases which used to hold me. The one was a natural obsession with women where I would just let the beauty of a girl capture my fancy and hold it, even if personalities collided and the relationship would have been doomed. I have grown above trying to want girls that will not have me….because I am good enough to be wanted by women, and shouldn’t have to settle for someone who has to settle for me.

Secondly, I’ve overcome the natural need for constant sex, though I do believe that I want sex quite a bit still and will of course share it with a partner, I do not need to have it. I can stand not. I have to stand not having it because otherwise I’m just an animal.

So now where do I stand with all this love? Well, I suppose that when I reflect, there are probably a great many girls that I would be glad to be with, in fact would relish the chance to kiss and spend time with. But the fact of the matter is, I’ve begun to realize that I can be happy with a girl that I did not know I wanted, but did want me. Because what I truly need out of a relationship more than anything, is the feeling that someone truly cares, that someone is truly happy and feels privileged for being with me. And of course I understand that it is an unwarranted privilege….one that I won’t acknowledge. It is not as if I will stand upon some throne and say that you are unworthy, but I shall grace you. But I just want to know that the girl really feels wonderful because I’m with her. And I know I’ll feel the same way. And the other thing I need is someone there. I need the person to be there to spend time with…to waste money on, to hold. I need touch….I love touch. I need the feeling of being close…..and I wonder when next I’ll get it. Who knows. Maybe not for a very long time.

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Today I’ve been bitter and sad. I still am in a lot of ways. I’ve grown tired of trying to rise above other people and treat them well though they could care less about me. Fuck Casey. I loved Casey, he was like a brother to me. And he doesn’t even bother to try to hang out. So fuck him. And fuck Nate too. Nate supports me, but only because I hold out my hand for him. But Nate I can forgive, because he’s trying again this year. Last year he didn’t try.

I’m done now. I have to go before I spill out every single thing in my head and end up a vegetable. Though maybe that won’t be so bad in the end. I have to go write some more script stuff for some competitions I’m entering around the globe.

Good day.