One Big Nasty Laugh

What a shithole this place is.

I was right in thinking there was nothing left in this town worth coming back for. I go to sleep at ten o’clock at night because my parents are two of the most boring fucks on the planet. I’m in a rage at the moment, if you haven’t noticed.

Christmas was fine. Kind of sucked, but no big deal. We ate good food and kept to the usual festivities where we get games or something and then in the process of trying to enjoy our gifts, we are insulted by the rest of the family because they HATE the things.

God these people are bastards. I feel like screaming. I look at my father and what I see is a man whose influence has been to allow me the financial privileges to try and achieve my dreams while his actual physical, direct, and intended influence has been nothing but to try and degrade my dreams, shatter them, force me to be unhappy, and build a rage inside of me comprable only to his own. I can’t let the fucking anger out either. There’s no place for it to go. I try and hate certain people that I meet just so that I can vent on them….because I can’t get any roles that have any emotional exhaustion…any way to vent, to release at all. It makes me want to scream. I want to scream. Have I said that? It seems to be my new favorite word.

Today is the 26th. Only til the 4th and then I’m rocketting back to River Falls for several days to enjoy freedom from anger, sadness, oppression and depression. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had someone I could really confide in besides this place. This place. Ha. Another nasty laugh.

I love this place, adore it, it is one of my most beloved places and endeavors. Yet, this is the only place where I can confess everything. And once I get it out, I haven’t even scratched the surface. I can’t explain it in writing. I need someone there I can yell right at, with deep and meaning hate and sadness and who I can say beautiful things to, with deep and meaning love. But I have to mean them, and that person has to mean something to me. I know it’s the only way out. It is the only way out.

One big nasty laugh is what is going on in my head at 6:17 when I feel like going to sleep. Going to sleep at 6:17 pm? How sad. I have so much I want to accomplish and do but this place is a giant energy leech. If I was to spend another summer here, I swear that I would probably die. I’d wither away. Every time I come home I feel weaker and weaker….not sick….but physically drained simply because I can’t deal with these people.

Where am I going with this? What’s the point anymore? I don’t know. I wish I knew. I wish I had a point. Anymore, my writing on here…any substantial writing that might let you in to the window of my soul is in poetry, poetry that nobody reads. I wonder how many entries in this diary have actually been read by people and such. I wonder if this is just another selfish endeavor….that I believe that someone might actually care about what happens in the trivial times of my life when I can sit down and write.

Good night all. Off to stop existing again. To have no emotion, no cares, and feel only absentness.

I laugh, cuz I think if my little brother or anyone read this they’d think me melodramatic. Most people who know me would. Most people who know me well, or who have known me for a long time, would dismiss any of this as simply as over-dramatic exaggeration. Nobody understands how important my dreams and emotions are…..and nobody understands that I need them to understand in order to feel at all whole. Instead, most peoople just let out one big nasty laugh.