Obsession

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s a huge and yet so subtle piece of me that’s just not right. What am I talking about? Obsession. I become obsessed with seeking certain little things out, finding people, rekindling friendships, trying to earn back the privilege of making people feel good again. That’s what I love to do, to talk to people not to talk to them alone, but to feel like I’m connecting with them and maybe making them happy for awhile.

I sought desperately to reconnect with Sarah Clare not too long ago…and we talked twice and she won’t return my calls. She’s a busy girl and she’s moved far beyond me I guess. It’s too bad. I really loved talking with her. There are a lot of people like that, who I let slip by, or, to be more exact, who slip away because I refuse to be the only one holding on. I can’t be the only one throwing out the line, holding tight to it, and dragging two people together. Eventually, it becomes evident that the other person really doesn’t care, and then, what’s the point?

I used to get angry with myself for thinking that last thought. I used to get angry at other people for making me. But now I know that we have to do what makes us happy, and I’m just lucky (or unlucky perhaps) that what really makes me happy is other people’s happiness. Or making other people happy. It’s a dangerous thing in truth. It’s the great fear that I have instilled in all my girlfriends down the line, that I tell them I could drop them at any moment…I don’t know how this seems logical, but I guess it’s a paradox. If the pleasure you get is in making someone happy, how can you ever stop? I suppose Kate discovered the secret by being fiendishly, obsessively, suffocatingly happy because of me. How can anybody leave that? Or at least anyone like me, that is.

But I digress a lot. Lately rekindling has been a huge portion of my life. Trying to rekindle these friendships from the ashes, so afraid to let them burn completely out. I value and gain value from so many friendships, and I let them slip away. I want to call Ashley in St. Louis, but how do you pick up the phone and call someone who hasn’t talked to you in a year? Who didn’t call you up ever and say ‘hello?’ I should call Chelee…because I feel more comfortable that she wouldn’t let the gap that opened between us ruin anything. That’s why I always have liked her, because, despite the trouble she’s had, she’s always fun to be around. I should call Angie, but I think that rift is too wide to cross…maybe…maybe not…I never know. I always wonder why it is that they all stop calling…Casey, Ashley, Claire…

It’s like watching parts of your life fall away…like dead leaves…and you know that new ones will grow in as replacements, but they are not the same leaves…and there is something tragic in that.