My Good Title Won’t Fit in the Space Provided

Well. I wrote a couple entries and after letting them sit here for a few hours, I deleted them. I’ve never done that before, but I felt I had to.

The fact of the matter is I’m not in a very happy place right now and I’m kinda pissed about a lot of things right now, especially people’s perceptions of me…the truth of the matter is that no matter what you do, people will have preconcieved notions that just can’t seem to be shaken from their mind. I have changed a lot I’ve realized and yet people still treat me the same as when they first met me.

I’ve always prided myself on my ability to treat people civilly and for my open-mindedness(something that many people say they have, but few people really do.) The fact of the matter is, what drives me crazy is this whole High School thing.

You know, I can’t believe I’m hung up on this one issue that has followed me everywhere, but the fact of the matter is that it bothers me, so I might as well talk about it. And for those of you who don’t really want to listen, go fuck off and don’t read this…..that’s just a quick warning.

The fact of the matter is that I always thought I was a well-adjusted youth. I always thought I was a nice guy, a good person, someone who would go out of his way to help people and someone who was also intelligent. I’ve never felt I was stupid, not at least as far as knowledge and common sense would go. Now, I’m a big-time clutz, but that doesn’t have anything to do with stupidity as much as it deals with physical prowess(I’m not all that spectacular in that area.)

Unfortunately, what has haunted me all my life is the fact that people have always thought of me as arrogant. I mean, whenever I talk to someone about this topic they tell me that I’ve never been a humble person. That strikes me as odd since it’s been something that has worried me….I never wanted to be a braggart or be all high-and-mighty. In fact, I go so far as to put myself down an incredible amount.

What I’ve come to realize is that I’m not humble. I don’t go out of my way to say, “nah…that was just luck or….well, I wouldn’t say that I’m smart…” But I’m also not arrogant. I’ve never been one to say, “You know what, that was incredibly stupid and I can’t believe anyone would do something like that.” The fact of the matter is I’ve never carried myself with a haughty air, either. What people have perceived as arrogance is the fact that I actually use and apply my knowledge and try to use it whenever possible. And it pisses me off. I can’t believe the fact that someone applies their knowledge and studies is perceived as arrogance. People get so pissed when a person raises their hand and answers questions in classes when no one else is willing. The fact of the matter is, that is not arrogance….we don’t relish the chance to get to answer because we get the shit kicked out of us after class for doing so, but we answer the question because we are trying to be helpful to the teacher, whose job is to help us learn. Giving back makes them feel good you ignorant red-neck, judgemental hicks. Ugh.

The fact of the matter is that classroom settings now make kids with intelligence and the answers feel like knowing the answer makes them a burden and they keep silent despite the fact that the teacher is sitting in the front of the classroom and floundering because no one wants to answer.

Secondly, people have always said that the Jennings family, when they hear something stupid, they get this tone that makes the person feel like absolute shit and that the Jennings would never have done something so foolish. I guess you could say that this is arrogant, but the fact is that we don’t sound any different than anyone else. Everybody else is just an oversensitive dumb fuck. Ha. I said it.

I’ve become a bit angry over the last weekend and a bit harsh. The fact of the matter is that when I say something to people in the theatre department, there are a select few who actually listen at all. The rest dismiss me as unimportant….

Shit…I’m going to stop talking now. I was going to continue but I realize that no matter what I say, you won’t really listen for the most part. Marie, Joe, AJ, Betsy, Ang, and Nicole will listen….but most people who don’t me won’t. They’ll just see someone complaining and think to themself (Aw…you got it so bad…you should try living my life.) and then say something nasty or stupid because they only think of themselves and believe that they obviously know everything about the situation. The fact of the matter is that I’ve never been good at giving advice or insulting people about how they act and the reason is the fact that I think about all the things that have happened in my life and I realize that over a million things have made my life the way it is…..and that I have no right nor information to draw on to best advise someone who has lived a completely different life with different social factors.

You know what would feel good right now? Punching the hell out of someone…..sheesh…..too many violent video games……!! I’ve been corrupted! OH NO!