Monologue From A Script

This is a monologue from a script and everytime I listen to this song, I don’t know it’s name…Track 4 on Semisonic’s new CD….I think of it…and I think it’s fitting right now to right it…I just want to…..actually, to tell you the truth, it’s a scene I have in my head, I haven’t actually written the monologue yet, but I’m going to do it right here right now, spontaneously as always.

There’s this dream I have sometimes, I’m rushing through the flooded streets here, pushing against waist high tides, the water frothing all around me. It’s black outside and the black covers the water so that I can’t see anything when I lose my footing…..

And I lose it.

And then I burst back up, scrambling now as I try to stay on me feet because the water’s pushing against me and the wind is howling, ripping at my jacket as I wade through the streets, soaked to the very bone, drenched to the core. I know where I’m going, I know exactly where I’m going, I’m going to her. I can hear her calling out to me somewhere deep inside, it must be somewhere deep because even now as I slumber hard I can’t hear it but I feel it there, always burning into my very soul. I race past the diner and the bars and all the flooded cars and the streets are deserted because everyone’s hiding from the pounding rain, trying to keep themselves from being washed away themselves. But I don’t pay much attention to the details, I’m just trying to get to her, because I feel this need for her and I know that she’s in trouble, she’s in a bad place and I’m the only who can make sure she gets out all right, and yet I know that I’m also racing towards him. And he doesn’t deserved to be rescued, but still, to save her is to save him. And when I wake up, drenched in sweat from the dream, panting and heaving and not knowing how it ends because I never seem to get very far within the water, I look around my room, dotted blue by the neon signs outside and I remind myself that it’s all just a dream.

But the rains pouring in sheets outside now, it’s rolling off the balcony rails and soaking the ground. The windows are sheets of water and I can hear the wind whistling past, but it seems to be going everywhere because the rain has no direction, it just seems to fly everywhere as if it’s appearing out of thin air rather than falling from the sky. I know she’s gone there now, I know that she went off to save him because she loves him, and she loves me. But no, she doesn’t. I thought she did, I always think all the people around me love me and want me and need me, but they don’t. They need me less and less with each passing day. Who calls to arrange a party, a gathering, or a movie? Me. Who remembers every detail of their friends life? Me. They never call, the phone’s right there and she could have called me and told me she was going down there, she knew I was leaving. She knew I was getting the hell out of this fucking place and she didn’t call, she just let me go and raced after him again. I could go, after all the things that the three of us have been through, despite what he’s done, despite what she’s done….I could go and save them. They need me there, I know it…..not to save them from harm, but just to make sure that they aren’t “inconvenienced.” And that’s where true friendship comes into play, finally I can see it now. The answer isn’t laying down your life, the answer isn’t sacrificing yourself to save the life of your friends, it’s sacrificing yourself to keep them content, keep them happy….to give yourself not for life, but for plain old happiness…..to sacrifice yourself for something almost insignificant. And I don’t need to. They wouldn’t for me, oh they may save my life, but they’d never do THIS for me….they have better things, their own lives…..their lives don’t involve me like mine involve them…….I could get up and leave and never look back and I’d never see them nor would I care because they wouldn’t either…….I don’t need to look back and I don’t need to care…..and….in the end…..

I won’t.

Straight down the street I’m going to run and never look back and never care that I’m giving up my entire life to save them…..

There’s this dream I have sometimes……I save the day.