Mine

I want to speak about her,

But all I do is sigh about her,

All I do is dream about her,

For she is all the quintessential things

That are indescribably mine.

For a long time I’d been having a hard time getting through work.  I would be exhausted at it.  I’d need to go crash in the bathroom, I’d find reasons to distract myself to keep me going when all I wanted to do was go home.  I’d fall asleep at the wheel of my car with a little more relative frequency than anyone should…especially in such touch and go traffic.  I also found myself taking afternoon naps.  I was worried.  I was thinking to myself, "How did I come to the age of twenty-four and become my father?" 

And all of a sudden that’s all gone.  It disappeared.  Sometimes I yawn at work, sometimes it drags along at a dead crawl, but I don’t feel the urge to retreat to the bathroom or go to bed at 11:00 or sleep in the car or take naps even when I’m at home.   I know exactly when it went away, too.  It went away on October 9th, a small anniversary. A good one, too. 

It is not as if I chose, in this case, to make all this suddenly profound either.  I tend to believe that we help design the profundities of our lives.  That certain magic that happens may happen without expectation and catch us off guard, but that a lot of the meaning that defines us is sought after and found and chosen to be placed in our lives.  I don’t like leaving everything to some invisible fate.  Nevertheless, with profound depth, Kristen flew to Los Angeles and my exhaustion went away.  Perhaps it’s just delayed due to all the time we spent in bed….not like that you sickos….well, not like that to any of you. 

In a way it was the end of a chapter, the beginning of a new one, a better one, a happier one.  It was the end of a chapter of being alone out here in California.  I know I’m alone now, physically, but I’m not really alone. 

It is strange to sometimes think how much she’s changed me.  She wouldn’t know so much having not known me before….but I think about whether I’d do the things I’ve done for someone else….and I wouldn’t.  It has a lot to do with wanting to make her happier.  Human beings are pretty petty deep down, and often times when looking back on whether to I should do something sweet for a girlfriend or a friend, I’d ask myself if it was really worth the time and the effort, the money, the investment in it to only have it disregarded perhaps.  And I would almost always decide not to do it.  I have always been a generous person, but i find myself being far better than even I tend to be when I’m with her.  I find myself thinking about how lucky I am all the time and regretting every little time I fail her.

I think it will be wonderful when she comes to live here.  But I also think that it would have been wonderful to live with her in Louisiana.  It’s just going to be wonderful living with her and having her near.  Whether it’s true for her or not, what’s true for me is that I feel she completes me in a way I have often sought and pretty much decided one had to choose to believe in.  But I don’t have to with her.  Perhaps it is all our fates to end up with someone who defies the very logic upon which we’ve set our lives…or perhaps it’s just another part of the great luck I’ve had, to find someone who gives me more perspective than I had before. 

God she truly is wonderful.  This is sort of rambling, at least that part of me still remains.  Still and always a bit scattered and random.  I’ll blame the increased workload at work this week. 

There’s not much more to update dear journal and fair readers.  Not a lot.  I am writing still, slowly but surely.  I am making money, I am spending money, I am looking forward.  I’m looking forward to a dog, and to Christmas and Thanksgiving travelling.  I’m looking forward to the future and I feel very good about it.  I’m going to get ready for pilot season this year and I think I’ll audition this weekend for the show anyway and see what happens if I get cast.  The audition can’t hurt and even if I turn down the role, it being offered to me will be a nice ego boost.  Ha….just what I need.

Of all the amazing things she’s done, she has quieted a restlessness in me that had seem unbridled.  It is not that my passion has faded even one iota….it’s just that my discontent has all but gone.  I love you darling.