I Did A Bad Thing (Cont)

I’m done pushing you. I’m done lashing out at you. The fact of the matter is that I love you and I listen to you and I am there for you and I care and there is a great part of me that resents the fact that you don’t see it….resents the fact that other people have beat on you to the point where you don’t trust a person who really is there to help…..but most of me understands.

It’s hard for me to, though…and that’s why I push….because I’m struggling to understand that lack of faith in humanity…because what’s happened to me never broke me down that far….pushed me down that low……but I’m sure had it continued, had I not stubborness and some semblance of hope I would have been the same…but as of now I always trust…..and the most powerfully infuriating about the entire Jennings’ lineage is the way they treat things they don’t understand. There is a great deal of scorn and sarcasm they pour into every word because our parents always made us believe we knew everything…and those people who did not know everything were pathetic, foolish wastes of space. My father was never wrong. He would scream, punish, swing, and kick from the house before be proven wrong….and he always won. We were always some stupid, worthless pupil who was sucking up precious time that could be spent on anything else….because most everything else was far more important in my father’s eyes.

He never listened. He didn’t know what shows we did, who we were, why we wanted to do what we did. He never knew the classes we were in or the names of our friends or where we were going. That was our mother’s job. His job was to be made proud of something he had no control over except to make feel like shit. And the others were able to take it far better…..because I was the weakest link and I was the most worthless of them to my father. Dave was the first and would always be the first….Jon was perfect…and Greg was the last and all three were special? Who was I? Just some kid following two great men’s footsteps and heading for a path that David had failed in and that my Dad despised. Oh he will brag and laugh about the performances I gave…..he will say how amazing I was……but only after I prove myself worthy will he even pay attention. I am a burden to him and he makes sure I know it.

And so all I’ve got left is fight….all I’ve got left is swinging…and I’m so, so, so sorry. You don’t really know how bad it hurts to know that I’m doing the same thing…..that I’m a failure at the one struggle that I care about most, which is to not be my father.

I love you. I love your laugh and smile and rank and file and everything about you that makes you who you are. And you are no fool and you are not unimportant and I would miss you a great deal if you weren’t here and I’m a better person for knowing you and hell, who would I eat with?

And really, there’s nothing more that I can really say besides I’m sorry and that I’ll work so damn hard to be a better person…..and I swear I will…..because I’m working hard on changing me….and telling people off…and standing up a bit more….and being radical and strong and defiant……

And the fact is I have always listened and remembered and always cared….and you know it deep down. But I’ll try to be better and not push on you because you let me…..if you promise me that you’ll start fighting back against these people, too. That’s really what breaks us…..because we stand against the raging tide when what we really should do is dam the whole thing.

I am on your side and forever will be.