I Did A Bad Thing

I’m on Your Side

—-by Pete Yorn

I’m outside your house,

Two a.m. and it’s dark.

So many mistakes,

Come back home from bars….

I am on your side…..

I just want to tell you off….

So many lies….

Are takin hold….

It’s not your fault….

They’re made of scars…

I am on your side….

It’s takin’ me a long time….

I am on your side….

I am on your side…..

And I’m listening….

And I’m listening…

Can you listen?

Now I’m listening….

I am on your side….

It’s takin’ me a long time…

I am on your side….

I am on your side….

I am on your side….

It’s takin’ me a long time….

I am on your side…..

And I’m listening….

I’m ringing out tonight (?)

And I’m listening….

Yeah I’m listening….

Yeah I’m listening….

Can you listen….

Now I’m listening…..

This entry really is a confession and an apology that probably won’t be read for a while, but who really knows. It might be read right after. The person who this is written to will know who they are…the song should give it away….but yeah.

I read a diary I wasn’t supposed to…but they knew I would…they had to because I never do what I’m supposed to. And the fact of the matter is I realized that it was not so much a mistake on my end as much as they’ll think it was a mistake on their end.

But that is not what I really did that was so bad. What I did that was so bad, and I’ve done it to a lot of people…is I’ve made them feel horrible. I’ve made them hate themselves….because I can….because I know just how to mix my words to bash through thick skin, to cut to the soul, to puncture and wound in a way that is hard to heal. And I do it because there is this large part of me that really needs to lash out…that really needs to scream and fight and kill and beat the living shit out of people.

And I am a victim just the same way as this person is a victim of me. I’ve been pushed around and beaten on in the past and because I have I just wanted to swing back and couldn’t and so I spend nights crying myself to sleep and beating my pillow and feeling like such a fucking pussy because I’ve got no metaphoric balls. And so I lash out when I can…..I lash out at people who seem to be able to take it….people that take it just like I used to take it….with a smile on my face and a slow, withering corpse on the inside.

So I’m sorry. Really, really sorry. The fact of the matter is that I am honest when I say I’m only joking…..I really don’t want to hurt you…I just have to spew out malicious words and strike back at something, and there is no punching bag and there is no pillow that can stand to what I need to do….and I try to vent the steam when I can and you just….you just seem to take it so well that I really don’t notice when I push too far….and I don’t want to push at all….