Headache II

And the problem I get is that I face myself with choices and none of them are very good. Do I wander around the world asking the women that I’m attracted to out and if they say “no,” I say “Screw them.” if things get wierd? Do I just take that nonchalant attitude? Shouldn’t I worry that if they do get all wierd I’ll have ruined a friendship? Should i just worry and if it happens not beat myself up despite myself? Because I think to myself, if I had the foresight to worry, why the hell did I not figure out how best to approach it? Do I bottle the whole god damn thing up and wait for someone to approach me? I don’t know! I just can’t figure it out and it really frustrates me because everybody’s like….oh…well you’re so romantic and you must understand love and stuff like that and I DO UNDERSTAND LOVE!! Love guarantees nothing, sometimes people say love does this or that, but really it doesn’t always….it can…but it doesn’t have to. I know what love is, it’s this feeling that I get when I think about her. I know that love is not necessarily knowing everything about a person or changing yourself for a person because you should or you can or you want to or you need to…it’s none of that. Loving a person is not ignoring their faults, or changing their faults, or even accepting their faults. LOVE ISN’T THAT! Everybody gives love more description than they should. Love is seeing something in someone….anything in someone…and realizing that THAT one thing or two things or the whole thing or half a thing or however many things that you see…..it’s seeing that and realizing that you don’t want to live without it. Not that you can’t live without it, because you could. But you don’t ever want to lose that, you don’t care if you don’t see it everyday, just as long as you know you’ll see it again. And it’s not giving everything you have….it’s not because some people can’t, some people won’t, and that doesn’t mean they don’t love. Love doesn’t ask for anything, doesn’t need anything, doesn’t give or take anything. What love is not an emotion but a recognition…..a recognition of some beauty that hurts you in some overwhelming way it makes you gasp for breath. When I think of her I think of her smile, of her eyes, of her body structure, her build, her wit, her little quirks, I think of all these things and they’re unique in her, they’re beautiful in her and the thing is that what I understand is that just because I see her and see that all these things are beautiful, I know that my life will be hell without them, but I CAN go on if I MUST….and I’ll find someone else who strikes me for reasons that amaze me in other ways or the same ways and all you can do is let it take you. Love can’t be helped in any way, shape, or form…none…you can’t MAKE someone love you, they just will or they won’t and you can plead to them, and perhaps you can kindle a part of their heart that loved you all the time if you believe in that, which I hope for but I think to myself that if YOU have to light the fire in the other person, what chance do you really have since they weren’t willing in the first place. And what do I do? ACK! So many thoughts….so much constant chaos and I can’t even say all the things I really want to say…..which is sad but true….I’ll never say all I want to say.

I wish I knew exactly how to tell her I love her, but I’m going to try soon…I have to try soon…and if she won’t have it…then fuck me and I’ll sit around and mope and find someone else in time and I’ll hate myself because another piece of me will have died the way pieces of me always have.

If there’s one thing for sure, because perhaps I’m completely insane and all I’ve said is wrong….it’s that perhaps love is different for everyone…maybe just not only in what happens to a person and what it means, but how each person feels it, expresses it, and deals with it.

Mine is like a flower, it has a thousand petals, each one beautiful and radiant, different but similar in a way…..and whenever I fail, a petal falls away and the flower is never the same and never will be whole, because my flower only blooms once and when the petals are gone….the game’s all over and we can guess that if it ever comes to that…it was “She loves me not.”