Headache

I don’t know what to do anymore, the pain from my teeth being removed(wisdom teeth bleh)is making my head hurt. I can’t stop thinking and listening to music, the most powerful and inspirational music I’ve got and I keep thinking about love and all this and I can’t stop thinking about it. I want love, I don’t want forever, I just want something for awhile, a purpose… an inspiration, I NEED it. This isn’t just some sort of silly thought dancing in my head, this is far beyond immaturity because I remember the way I used to act and the way I sometimes still do and I can see it clearly. Perhaps this isn’t wise old-man guru-guy thoughts rushing my head, but it sure as hell isn’t super-hyper spastic thoughts belonging to some fourteen year old daft bugger. There is something so amazing about love, to know you can kiss someone(without being in a freaking show)….to kiss someone, to buy them flowers, to call them up and talk to them all night and look at the stars and think to yourself about all the places you want to take them, like the point in River Falls where you can see the whole city lit up, that’s a cool spot I want to take someone to, but there’s no one I have. I want someone who watches movies with me, who snuggles and cuddles and does all the shit couples do…IT PISSES ME OFF that I don’t have it….it really does. And you know, it’s not like I don’t deserve it, I’m sorry for my arrogance but this is barely me talking, it’s as if someone else is running my body sometimes, because I think these thoughts and when I get control again I think to myself, whoa….that wasn’t like me…and then this flickering image of someone else who is fading from me fast says: “But wasn’t I right?” And sure enough I think about what he said, and he was.

Yes, I look around the world and I think to myself, I’m well-off. I’ve got parents who attend to my every need and they have a great house and they pay for my car and the insurance on it and they have all these great things to do and they’re always buying things and tending to our lavish yard and stuff and you know what, I’m well-off in that area. I’m well-off in blessings, I’m talented, I act, I write, I’m pretty intelligent and I can handle most everything and I don’t think I’m that bad looking either, though I certainly could improve in that area of any, since I’m not very well built..but hell, so what if I have long arms? Anyway….I digress. I’ve got the things I need and I’m beyond these other guys who think with their cocks because I think with my heart and I LOVE….I love like no one loves and I know it because you just don’t see people talking about things the way I sometimes do, like I am right now. With this sort of welling frustration and anger that seems to flood the soul and just wants to tear you apart and that’s the way it is with me and this girl that I really care for, and I know that I would kill to be with a million girls I know because I find beauty in them all and that’s no bull, because I also admit I find a lot of ugly in a lot of girls I know…but she….she is so much more and you know, I don’t have a chance with her in hell because I know what she’s like, I know her family background and her dreams and her thoughts on the matter and I really don’t think i have a chance….because what I lack is that I’m not wholesome…I’m not the pious type. I’m not the guy who holds up with religion that well, and I’m not atheist but I’m greatly against the church’s belief. I don’t believe that God put us here to follow a bunch of rules and if we don’t we go to the eternal pits of Hell. That doesn’t make any sense to me unless he has no control over us at all because who in their right mind would engineer a creature to be curious, literal-minded, and inventive, creative, and a deep-thinker and then say…but if they use these gifts and come to a rational conclusion….that unless a person has mysticism in them, they’re going somewhere like hell. I’ll drink when I damn well please and do as I like and want and if I want to have sex before I’m married I damn well will because I believe that I may not be the greatest person in the god damn world and I may complain about the problems I have and I may have my faults…but frankly, I think I’m pretty good as people go. I’m honest and decent and respectful and I swallow my pride because I know that we can’t run around letting it get the best of us. And I don’t think in colors or races or sexes or stereotypes, I think in perfectly equal thoughts because I think people all are different, hell, I’m not like anyone else I know.