Gold Eyes

There is only one moment. A step forward into a new world held in a single moment and we never know what that world is going to be. We can guess and guess and investigate and research until we have all but eliminated doubt, but there is always uncertainty. Maybe not in something simple like science or math where most everything is a rigid calculation that, if done correctly, will positively yield an answer that has no chance of being wrong. But such is not life.

Where does one find footing on ground that is loose and breaking every second of every day? How does one find the courage to overcome a fear that is bred within them, that has burned a tattoo across their skin so deep and painful that the meer thought of it nearly kills? How does one heal a broken heart or mend the wound of viscious words? Sticks and stones are nothing compared to words…..whoever said it was a fool.

To lament and elaborate on such a thing is difficult, since it usually leads to nowhere. One makes a decision and sticks to it. Either I go forward or I turn back and what is so deceiving about turning back is how easy it is to do. There is no pain in staying the same, none that can be perceived at least. We grow comfortable with the norm, the rut, the routine and we forget that there is much that we’ve lost until the moment that it finally becomes so overwhelmingly much that we really can’t ignore it any longer. Still, we face pain either way we turn, it’s just the when that always gets us. Behind us we are almost certain to face pain far down the road…if we step forward, we may feel ecstacy, or we may be struck with pain in moments. Pain delay, that is what we are all about.

You can’t turn back once you step through the door and that is the ultimate problem….that is the colossal weight of moving on. We change everything…for better or worse….and if it is worse we cannot change it back. It will never return to the way it was.

I told her that I wanted to find the courage, to find the courage that had been stolen from me. Of all my heart that was shattered by Bekah and by High School and Middle School and cruel kids and angry, demanding parents, they broke the courage from me. I have always been so very afraid of stepping through that well lit door to the next day where love may flourish and where everything is better because the light is so bright that I might just be stepping into a pitfall. I told her I wanted that back and she tried to give it to me….and now I”m afraid even more….because I found that courage again….I truly found that courage only to realize that by having it I only can lose it…..that’s what is all frightening.

The courage to tell someone you love them offers no benefits…all you do is stand to lose it. You lose the courage and you can’t speak the words and then you find it and tell someone and if you’re right, then my God what wonder and that courage floats away because now you don’t need it. But if they say no, it is broken from you again. It has been broken away from me more times than I can imagine so that I can only ask the secure, the ones who have already declared it back to me….and I never feel rewarded. In truth that’s why my relationships don’t last long: it’s me. I can’t handle them because they’re all the ones that I knew damn well I could have and it’s not that I don’t want them, it’s not that I can have them, it’s not my infatuation with some idealized love….it’s because I want someone else more . I have taken them to not feel so empty and to validate myself, to make them so damn happy that they couldn’t stand it and you know what, I’ve succeeded far too well.

Nancy still loves me. Rachel still loves me. Katie loved me and admits she still does though she’s moved on. Sarah still feels the same way….every last girl I’ve ever dated still loves me and damn it I can’t bring myself to be with any of them….because I want Lindsey….and how do I find the courage to ask her?

God give me the strength. I wrote her a letter and tore it up because I don’t want to do that anymore. I have to tell her and I’m going to if I can, I’m going to play some encouraging music and go all out and when she rips it from me again I’ll be destroyed once more……

Ah God what a strange and terrible and wondrous thing life is.