Give in to the Shadow

Right now I’m listening to the song “Mama Said” by Metallic, about the only song I really like of theirs for some reason. It hits me hard for some reason and I’m thinking to myself…..my life has become a moral dilemma, or at least right now has become one:

All my life I’ve been the kind of guy who thinks before he acts, he thinks about the repercussions of everything and always takes the path of least resistance, the path that will cause the least harm, first to others and then to him. I’ve been the kind of guy who never asked a girl out because he was afraid of losing their friendship. The reason I asked Rachel out was because we didn’t know each other, we weren’t friends. I had nothing to lose. That’s the sole reason I had the courage enough to ask her out. With the others it was too hard because I got to know them first, because I figured that no one would want to go out with me just based on looks. Which brings me to my next point, I’ve always been the kind of guy who thought he was attractive himself, but never thought anybody else thought of him that way. Jen, Rachel, and Audra always told me I was hot, but that’s three and my track record with women leads me to believe otherwise. Because I believe that had I been hot, most girls would give me the chance to take them on a date rather than just say no. I’ve never been the most normal person in the world either, and I’ve usually been quite quiet when it comes to my problems, not about talking about them, but really complaining about them. I’m the kind of guy who bottles up all the unpleasantness, and I think that I was taught that because my father would physically attack me if I ever opened my mouth in dissent. So I just kept it all in and you know what, I’ve been reading the “mystery writer’s” entry over and over, and his personality is starting to really take over in my head. I never changed myself in my whole life. I always wanted to wear contacts and work out so that I was bigger, better, more attractive to the womenfolk, but I never did because I always valued myself, my look, my personality. And you’d think that that is the noble thing. But you look around at people and I see some nameless people who totally are obsessed with altering their natural appearance so that they can appear attractive, and they get the results…..

And now I think I should change my ways, change my personality, in just about every way really, and I don’t think I can stop the change now because no matter how hard I try to resist, my life’s such a pathetic wreck right now that I’ve got to do something…..because my life is really not the kind worth living….oh yes I have prospects…..I always have prospects for the future…..BUT WHEN WILL THEY COME? I have exercised more patience than any man on this planet and I never asked for a whole hell of a lot from anyone except acceptance and love and I couldn’t even get that from most people….I’m the butt of the jokes, the last resort for most. I’m the ruiner of reputations. I had to laugh because Greg’s girlfriend left a note on here asking me if I didn’t want her to go with us to the movie….and the fact is that I love hanging out with people and usually it’s the other way around. In fact, I think that’s the first time someone has even presumed to believe I had the power or had the right to make that decision…and I don’t…..I never probably will.

And beyond that, beyond my feelings about that, I miss love. I really do and you can’t rush it and blah blah blah…but it’s true. I thrive on that stuff. I love spoiling girlfriends with flowers and stuffed animals and movies and nights under the stars and compliments and I don’t get the chance that often (my wallet’s thankful for that) but I want it nonetheless. I miss kissing most of all, but I guess I just miss being loved in that special way….knowing that someone out there is living for the next moment to see me…..the way I live for the next moment to see them.

And the change is coming, and who the hell knows when it will hit completely, it’s seeping out slowly and slowly into my actions….I’m becoming more snappy when I’m attacked and I’m being more quiet….but I still am me….for now. What’s sad is I don’t like me anymore. I like my myself, but I don’t like me when I look at me through other people’s eyes…..and that really is a tragedy, but I guess a necessity.

Anymore all I want is to be a quiet, reserved guy who doesn’t take shit from people. Who doesn’t care about women or his friends and will do as he pleases when he wants and to hell with others if they’re going to be rude about it. I want to be a guy who can ask a girl out and not give a shit about the answer…..most of all, I want to be the kind of guy that a girl wants to be with…..and they just don’t. Some say they do, but that’s just the freedom of the blind, the freedom of those who think that they would never be asked out by me. I want to be the kind of guy who doesn’t hurt inside without love, who doesn’t just yearn for it, who doesn’t talk in big, emotional thought patterns that nobody seems willing to relate to. I want to be more generic….. not normal, because I think that my disturbed attitude is more normal than the generic man. People always say, relish the unique, but they’re liars.

I’m becoming a bitter man….a bitter and independent man. And what’s probably the saddest is the fact that I’ll probably enjoy my life much more being generally bitter and distrusting and emotionally reserved.

The hardest part isn’t the journey, because all along the road you can see the glimmering city of hope sitting at the end. The hardest part is what you do once you’ve reached it and found that it’s not what you desired.

“How’d I miss my destination driving down a one-way street?” –Brad J.