From the Silence

Good evening or afternoon or morning readers….whosoever of you are left.

It’s a funny world out there.  This diary obviously has been therapy for me.  When I’ve been down or looking for a venue to have something appear out there where readers can at least take it in, I’ve written numerous entries time and time again.  In fact, this is probably the most detailed chronology of my life that there is….my family not prone to picture taking and record keeping simply restricted to important events that  could contribute to a resume.  And now, this diary seems to have no allure.  Its demands I don’t think I can fulfill.  I will try, however.  This is so that I may preserve my past and my memories.

I have some things I’d like to give closure to in this entry so that a new chapter, a new stage of this diary and chronology of events can finally begin.  Analysis of myself and others being my self-proclaimed forte, I have refrained from doing everything I’ve wanted to do in terms of writing in here….my cathartic sonnets had frozen at a moment due to certain possible people reading.  No more, now.

You see, devoted readers — aka Marie and Nikki — Luther_Kincaid has finally perhaps died.  In a good way, I assure you.  This diary, this personality that has undergone so many changes, has now become something and someone new.  Or at least his prospects and fate have.

For four years I have slaved away at this college in search of developing my talents and bringing myself to the time and skill where I can proclaim that I will succeed at my dreams.  Funnily enough, my desire to achieve success in the area of theatre has faded a little…but perhaps it may rekindle.  Whether it rekindles or not, I’ve finally reached my original college goal.  I have directed a main stage show which was a brilliant, beautiful, and amazing success.  You have all missed — because I was too  busy — the overly difficult process as my lighting designer and set designer fell short on their tasks and I had to design both as well as hook up and program all the lights and most of the sound.  I had to build part of the set as well.  It was a job that took me more hours than most people work in a week: 12 hour days everyday, even weekends.  Had I been getting paid, my overtime would be through the roof.  The outcome was spectacular…and I was able to bring out performances in a certain few actors that impressed even the faculty and made them stand up and pay attention to talent that they did not know existed.  Oh God, it was exhilirating.

I have been selected as an Irene Ryan nominee for ACTF which actually happened last year, and I talked about it then, but now it is nearing time for the actual competition…and I’m delighted.  On another note, I’ve been selected as a director of a ten minute one act down there, so I’m going for directing as well….a double delight and a possible prospect.  Add to this that I may be going to New York for Spring Break to possibly make Broadway contacts….and that I finally got a role I auditioned for and will be closing my years here at River Falls with a bang that I think I deserve…one final hurrah…and my occupational dreams and goals are taking a firm step in the right direction.

Hopefully, as long as God is kind, I have also met the love of the rest of my life.  Her name is Kate.  And she is beautiful, funny, wonderful…..so wonderful that having her reminds me everyday of how lucky I am…and, without arrogance, how good a man I must be to have someone so perfect.  It’s hard to go a day without her.  Yes, our love is sickening.

I think I’m perhaps the personally happiest I’ve ever been, and I think I’ve come to a good place mentally.  I think I might be reaching the final stages of the man I’ll be for the rest of my life.  You don’t feel a year go by, you think it’s the same, then four years later you look back and you can barely believe that it’s only been four years….it seems so long ago.  I seem so changed now.  I’m quieter more often…more level….less emotional….wiser….and I think, less funny.  But ah, I digress.

I don’t have forever, I need to do some calling of people and writing, but I wanted to discuss a few things in short here, a closing piece of therapy.

I wanted to talk about what has transpired over the last several months, not in actual events, but my dealings with former loves and losts.  Jennie Schrottky told me the other day how sad she was that she let me go….and that she was an idiot for doing so.  And all I can think of was….then why did you?  What has changed from then to now….but it was her.  From that I learned very little, except it spurred me to write it here and hopefully sometime throughout time people will read this entry and find this message and take it to heart: Love does not wait.  Love opens the door and you must step through it, or it will shut and open for someone else, somewhere else.  Ontop of that, I realized that I love her still, and she loves me, but she was unable to realize it just right….because too often people mistake what love is about.  Love isn’t about being happy.  Love is about wanting to make someone else happy.  That’s it.  That’s all it is.  Simple, sweet, and small.  Everything else is the complicated human extra we heap ontop of love to tailor it just right to our own personal psyche…but love is about wanting to make that other person smile, laugh, and feel good inside.  And what happened with Jen is that she cared more about herself…she was busy thinking about her own happiness….and that’s fine.  Oops, I stated love a little wrong before.  Love is actually being happy making someone else happy.  That’s what love really is.  If you’re not happy doing JUST that….then you’re not really in love.  I was watching “De-Lovely” tonight, and the movie is amazing…and I thought about Cole Porter’s dangerous obsession with men….not because it’s homosexual, but because it ruined part of his life with his wife….and the fact was that Cole Porter really didn’t love his wife…he loved himself…and married her because it made HIM happy….and although it did make HER happy, that’s not why he did it.  In a way, most everyone loves themself, but the paradox of loving yourself and loving someone else is the way of our world…I don’t think people get that.

I digress again.  Now that I have Kate, so many people are telling me things about myself that I have always believed and no one has ever acknowledged.  Through my years, people have called me an arrogant, selfish, mean, viscious, nasty, stuck-up, silly, stupid, worthless, pompous, and condescending asshole.  I always believed I just had a solid sense of what I thought was right, and I always thought I was a generous, kind-hearted, hard-working young man.  Now after all those years of loneliness and sorrow, wondering how I wandered so far from the path….now people are tellling me just what I wanted to hear.  It is interesting that after so many years fighting them, now I still do, even when they tell me what I thought I thought about myself.  M

aybe I’ve forgotten or changed my mind so many people said otherwise.  Several people have confessed feelings for me now…now that they stand to lose me.  How odd, I’ve thought.  Now when I’m happy, they try one last ditched effort to snare me back….why hadn’t they tried earlier when I was so alone and sad?  Jennie did it, Rachel and Rachel both did it….others have, too.  But I’ll never leave Kate, because she was willing to fight for me from the beginning, and didn’t wait….and has made me feel so good about myself, the way none of those other people have ever tried to make me feel.

I wonder if any of the other girls I was interested in loved me.  I wonder if Ashley did.  And if so, why she let me slip so quickly away….and why she — through her actions — made lies of all the good things she said…and I wonder about Angie.  I can’t remember now if I wrote a sonnet for Angie and it got deleted when the damn hacker did something, or if I ever mentioned in the latest entries…I have a vague recollection of having done so…but I don’t know.  The fact is….I never could tell with Angie….and….I find I still really don’t know what to say even after all this time thinking about it.  I’m a writer who can’t find words.

I’ve got to go.  Another entry soon, I think.  Merry Christmas.