Deja Vu all over Again

No more. To all the ones who I never had, I wish I had kissed you just once. I will live to be a great actor, director, rich and famous with a beautiful wife and children…..I hope…but even if I do….I will still have that regret. Am I made for a single woman. No. Man by nature needs to be loved by as many people as possible…..I am much like them. I wish I could be with all the women that I have met and known who wanted to give me the chance…even the ones that didn’t. I wish I could feel their warmth….I want to be the one to make them happy, but I never will. I only get one to make happy…..and people don’t understand why some men say that it’s a crime, marriage….

Haha. You know, people will never get it. Most everyone has lost the true idea behind things. There once was a time where we dressed up nicely for good meals at fine restaurants not because we had to but because it was a way of showing the respect deserved. People served in the military so that they could defend their country, we did things not because they had always been done, but because we wanted to do them. People have become lazy like that. My father fights everyone now, because it has been what he did all his life. Even I am guilty. I have always assumed that every woman I met who I found attractive would treat me as shittily as many of them did. There are some memories of women that are too cruel to remember….almost as bad as family and friends. God High School was awful. How could it not have broken me I’ll never know.

I actually sympathize with the Columbine Kids in the respect that they deserved better than what they were given and that what they started out to do seemed something that could possibly be justified in the light of what had been done to them. They killed people, but worse than killing someone, crush all the life out of them without slaying the body….that’s a true and awful crime. To make someone life their life as empty as I often feel, to make them think that their is nothing in this world worth holding on to…that is a crime. What they did is wrong. They killed the wrong people, they just killed the weak ones like them. They did exactly what the bullies did, that makes them no better. That makes them cruel and stupid. That makes them fools. Had they gunned down the bullies, I would have cheered. They just tried to become the bullies. There is no respect to be found there despite what people say. It’s all false. Any man who respects a flaunter of power over the weak is also a fool and has no right to be given the power to respect.

So what is the point of all this. A single car ride home after a movie makes me realize just how pathetic life can be:my father’s. To live a life fighting everyone, hating everyone who had it better or different, hating everyone who ever complained just because you didn’t in a similar situation or a different one, to spend your life doing something solely because people are supposed to do it or have done it for years, that is a truly awful life and I pity my father for it.

Now I digress back to talking about them(the girls.) Why? Ahh…who the hell knows, I’m not even looking at the screen anymore because I just can’t handle reading my own words as they appear. The emptiness and the love is getting to me, I don’t know which is worse. Is it worse to be so hollow you’re going to cave in or worse to be so full of love that will never be fulfilled that you’ll explode. So many people say the second, but the second just leaves you realizing how much you failed and missed…that is the way of regret….people think it’s great to be full of love….nah…..I’d be thankful to have just enough for one person.

Instead, I cry when I lose the chance to make someone the happiest they’ve ever been. So many have already slipped through my fingers…..the emptiness and the love, I think, are intertwined.

I’m thinking of the names now….and there is such sorrow in me that I don’t think I”ll ever be able to let it all out.