Anger Management

Isn’t it bizarre? 

I find that now, satisfied and content with where my life is, enjoying myself immensely with cool people in a place free from people demanding things of me in the way my parents did, that it’s now that my temper is strongest and most out of control.  I think, perhaps, it’s because so much else in my life is going so well that I finally don’t feel the need to hold back…that I finally feel like I should be able to enjoy myself and perhaps I can respect myself more.

Within the last three weeks I’ve lost my temper a few times when I shouldn’t have, I’ve been slightly nastier and edgier to certain people when they piss me off….but I can’t and won’t apologize for being angry at them.  I will apologize for collateral damage, I will apologize for being a little edgier than I probably should have been, I will apologize for shattering that chair all over the ground.  I won’t apologize to Gavin.  I meant it.  You see, Gavin is one of my roommates who unlike the others who jab with fun, likes to say nasty things.  There’s a difference between saying, "Dude, why didn’t you catch the ball on that play, Brad…where are your mad skillz?"  the way Rich does when I boast….and Gavin’s "Dude, you’re a fucking retard.  You can’t beat this?  What a loser."  See, the first one is jabbing at my own bragging, it’s meant to put me in my place, the second one is supposed to knock me down a few pegs…put me below the other person, and I’m not below Gavin.  So, after making a really nasty comment about me sucking cock and calling me retarded again, I told him if he ever opened his mouth again I would beat the ever loving shit out of him.

Casey was right when she said that I had just taken too much crap for too long and now I’d finally had nowhere else to put it.  I’m burning bridges left and right.  I’m cutting anyone and everyone away from me who gets on my nerves too much.  Rachel fucked up while she was out here, she called me to ask what she did wrong and I was so aggravated that after all this time she still either is too stupid to know what she did or too damn retarded to own up to it that I deleted her number from my phone and told her I didn’t want to know her anymore.  I’ve deleted other people off my phone list, people I really cared for, people who won’t know for months that I’m even done with them because they only pick me up every couple of a months when they’re bored.  Jennie is borderline, she called me twice now and both times refused to answer the phone when I called her back, even when I told her I’d call her right back.

I’m just tired of dealing with self-absorbed people.  I’m being self-absorbed right now myself.  I get that.  I don’t want a certain couple people who read this to point it out as if I didn’t know, so I’ve said it now.  I guess the difference is that I’m not always this way.  And I guess now I’m really drawing a line in the sand.  Before I could handle people disagreeing with me about who I am, what I stand for, and what I mean when I say things…but I can’t handle it any longer.  I’m done with that.  If you can’t believe me when I say something and feel the need to point out that I’m wrong, you can go to fucking hell, because I’ve spent the time analyzing myself and I’ve spent the time getting to the logical conclusions about who I am.

Last night I went to bed furious and I slept on it and woke up, and I wasn’t furious anymore, but I still saw the same way I saw the night before.  I want to be able to respect myself and be respected.  I think I’ve earned it.  I KNOW I’ve earned it.  And fuck you if you don’t agree.  I’ve drawn a line in the sand.  It’s time to see who stands where.