And

And now I’m consuming white pages on a subject that is a tangent.  I am alone on this Friday evening and have been all night and I’m sad about that.  I called everyone in my cell phonebook twice today.  I didn’t call Rachel Burandt, she’s out of town and I didn’t call my parents, because I can’t talk to them about anything.  But I called everybody, first for a movie this afternoon, then for a movie this evening….then for pizza….nothing from no one.  Everyone turned me down.  And I suddenly realized, I have no friends.  I’m a friend to a lot of people, but I’ve got no friends.

And so I talked with Hope tonight, my designated mother….and she said the motherly thing that she can get away with because she’s not really my mom, which is: “I’m not surprised.”  And the reason she’s not is because she believes that most people in the department are a bunch of immature scumbags…and she’s right.  And I’m angry about this.  I’m not angry at Pete, he’s out of town., or Nikki, she’s out of town.  And I’m not really pissed at anybody….but I’m disappointed.

I called Angie, Rachel, Claire, Kristy, Pete, Casey, Nate, Sarah, Dave, Nikki, Jess, Kitten…I called more but I realized the list is pointless.  But I suddenly realized that most of the people I just called, don’t call me.  Angie does once in a blue blue moon.  Nikki does at times.  Rachel no.  Claire never.  Kristy, well Kristy I don’t think really cares much to hang around unless I invite her.  Pete no.  Casey very very very rarely.  Nate would probably let me drop from the planet because he’s so damn irresponsible and rude.  Sarah does.  Dave, no.  Jess, once or twice, but we talk enough.  Kitten, never.  And nobody else calls me besides my Mom. 

The fact is, I do have friends when I think about it.  They’re just not here.  I’ve got a couple people who are friends, but I’m lonely here.  I hang out with tons of people everyday and everybody knows me by name and I know them….but nobody ever calls me.  I’m alone. 

And the thing that makes me much better than you paint me in your description of how bad I am in the theatre, is the fact that I at least try to be friends with people.  I at least try to draw people into the theatre.  I’m not some island of acting and selfish greatness who associates with a bunch of people.  I really have to laugh when I think about the shams that funerals are.  I was thinking about Ann Lydecker.  I will make a safe wager that almost everyone at the funeral was affected by her.  But I wonder how many affected her.  Really tried. 

It’s funny, but I bet that most people in our theatre department would bawl if someone in the theatre department that we knew died. But I bet you that only one fifth of those people have the right to.  The right to cry that that person is gone, because only one-fifth would have the right or the reason to feel the loss.  How dare people. 

This world is pathetic and stupid.  William Hung has a CD: a degradation of music.  If only there were MORE people like me and Simon Cowell, then the world would be a good place.  It’s people who turn out to be like what you’ve ultimately preached that destroy the world.  People who fester and hold their thoughts about how great they are to themselves, who barely associate with people in the department and yet think that they’ve got armardas of respecting friends there.  Don’t get me wrong, some people think you’re a great actress…but the fact of the matter is, you have no idea what happens in that department.  The only pleasure that I get is people regard me as a fly.  They speak openly and frankly in front of me.  It’s because I’m open and frank about people to them and about them.  You are absolutely wrong.

Good night.  I’m going to sleep early tonight and pray that I wake up in a world where someone answers the phone.