An Unexpectedly Irksome Week Begins

Hi guys. I know I haven’t written in here for a long time. At the moment, my life is an absolute mess and I’ve just been trying to assemble it into some sort of personal order where I feel a lot better about everything I’m doing. It seems catastrophe after personal catastrophe(and these are catastrophes from my standards) seem to be crashing down upon me.

My car has crapped out, come alive, crapped out, come alive, crapped out, been repaired again and again and again, over the last few monthes. For a while it was guzzling gas at the toon of 70 miles per 10 gallons. That’s how awful the engine was running, but that problem is fixed Thank God. Of course, that’s 140 dollars worth of gas later.

I didn’t get a good solid role in either of the theatre programs for my summer, so this might be the first time in a long time I have a hiatus from acting. And I’m slightly all right with the fact because I’ve become more disillusioned in my faith and hope then ever before. I once thought that desire, ideals, and a passion that burns like fire would carry a person through everything. But I find that people are selfish, stupid, lazy fucks. I hate most all of them.

You’re probably wondering what sparks this, and I’ll tell you. The fact of the matter is, that today was the voting for the Masqers show. Now I have never been one to sell myself confidence bullshit because it only lets you down. But I thought I was well off. I thought I’d have the show in the bag. Last year I lost out because I pitched a single show that wasn’t going to ever fly and that I wanted to be the Emcee in Cabaret at the same time. Look how good that one turned out for me…bleh. So this year I thought I had it. Hope’s show lacked luster. Wayne’s show lacked a point. My show was the only one really worth doing with the only director who really gave a damn about his show. And it still only tied. We have to revote next week and I’m running like a madman to find people who will tip the tides my way.

The fact of the matter is I thought I had it for sure. I had so many people that I thought stood behind me and when I turned back at the moment of truth, only two or three were there. I feel jaded. I feel used. I feel angry. I’ve already found out that one of my best friends didn’t even vote for my show. What a fucker. I can’t believe it. The guy doesn’t go to bat for anyone but himself and I hate it. What a fuck. I can’t get over my anger and my sadness. I’ve been literally on the verge of a breakdown because of this.

Whatever happened to the days when desire and passion meant something? Whatever happened to the days when doing the best possible work and producing the best possible result was the goal? When did we forsake pushing ourselves to the limit for convenience and monotony? I’ll tell you when…when we gave everyone the freedom to believe they were equal.

Over the last few weeks I’ve begun to lost my faith in the power of humanity. I’ve lost my faith in believing that they will come through in the end. Even now, knowing full well that there are several people who will come vote for my show now and I think I’ll get it to win, I know they only are voting for me because they like me more than Wayne. Some want me to win. Some want me to win very badly. And the funny thing is that the difference between Wayne and I is not the shows, it’s that Wayne is pitching a show that we can undoubtedly build. I’m pitching a show that will be great. Those who vote for mine want to do my show. Those who vote for Wayne’s are just voting for a show that can be done. It’s sad. It’s absolutely pathetic. We have lost the drive here. It makes me angry. And if they win, they deserve to have another shitty show with bad actors. Oh god I’m furious. It’s boiling in me right now and I want to scream so badly.

I have to go. I have to rave. I have to write and do homework and I feel like just locking the door and not coming out ever again. What’s the point? The world doesn’t need people like me. The world needs only themselves.