A Rant

No.  I’m not going to bottle this up right now.  I’m not going to suck it up and take it and put it away to let it fester in me and blow my head off some time down the line.  I’ve had enough of it.  There are some people who like to think that they have the right or the ability to judge me.  There are some people who think that they are sitting upon a moral high ground at least in the areas where they think I’m mired in a moral quagmire.  There are some people who believe that I whine a lot and pity myself a lot.  Well guess what, I don’t.  Not by a long shot.  But I do pity myself at times.  Most people do. 

Oh, and let me just first say you can save your anonymous notes for someone else, thank you.  Because to be quite honest, they’re not going to affect me all that much.  You’re a moron if you think that a professional actor doesn’t audition for local theatre, because a professional actor is simply a paid actor.  And in Wisconsin, there is very little theatre that one can go to to get paid or to further one’s self.  I’m not going to make a comment such as: you’re obviously not in theatre, because I don’t want to globally paint myself an idiot like you.  And secondly, I’ve been plenty surprised in the past by the depths of stupidity and lack of realistic notions that polute the theatre and all communities.  You’d be surprised how many people in their various lines of work don’t know a single thing about what they do.  But this is a rant that is just to vent a little steam at some anonymous noter who thinks that professional actors don’t do anything small time. 

Onto the major portion of my personal rants.  And, oh, by the way, you can read these and sympathize with me if you like, that’s just fine.  But for all you critics who think I’m pouring this out here to have it criticized and have you tell me how much I should get over it and stop pitying myself, I’m doing this because I find writing to be therapeutic, and I have neighbors who’d rather not hear a man shout to himself and invisible people he doesn’t like.  So thanks, hold back your “Grow up” comments.

Rant 1.  I thought long and hard about this.  And I’m not going to let my anger at this moment get the best of me.  After all, I’d only prove the accuser’s assumptions right that I’m an ‘angry’ person.  But, DO YOU KNOW HOW WRONG YOU ARE ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU SAID?!  I’m not trying to fight with you.  I don’t want to be an enemy.  But I’d seriously read what you wrote, not only about me, but about yourself, and reevaluate what you think you know about me and yourself and other’s perceptions of you.  In fact, you tangled with the one person you didn’t want to tangle with, cuz I’ve probably got one of the nicer perceptions of you, because I like you as a person and I understand a lot about you because we’ve had some heart-to-hearts.  Obviously, that doesn’t count for anything though, so I don’t feel bad writing what I have here.

Major Rant.  Rant 2.  I spend Friday night in my apartment doing nothing for over seven hours.  SEVEN hours.  I feel so very alone and upset right now.  Probably more angry at people then I’ve been in a long, long, long, long time.  I feel sad, too.  In fact, it’s hard for me to tell how much of me is dejected and how much of me is ‘characteristically’ furious.  I wanted to go see a movie this afternoon.  Nobody would go with me.  Carrie even said: If you pay for my ticket.  Because it seems I have to buy her friendship in order to get her to do something with me on an afternoon where she wasn’t doing a thing.  Two others also said I had to buy their ticket.  Imagine how that makes me feel that they were damn serious.  And they were.  You can ask other people who afterwards consoled me for a moment, before even I realized how much I’d been dissed by the comment.  It’s true.  I have to buy friendship.  And it is true.  I feel a sham.

How dare this world make me feel like a sham?  God.  It hurts.  It’s pain that’s got me right now.  The sort of pain that stings and makes a guy cry but at the same time makes him get up and scream.  You know…tying into that first rant….I’ve been accused of being a prima donna, to be honest.  That’s what your accusation was.  That I’m a prima donna.  Do you know how stupid that is?  Do you know how far from a prima donna I am?  IN THIS DEPARTMENT?  And YOU think it’s wrong to act like you’re better then people even if you are, but it’s ok to go behind their backs and think it?  WHAT?

The fact of the matter is I am one of the few people in the theatre department here who deserves the attitude he has.  How many people don’t?  Let me count the bastards.  Not to mention, I am at least only majorly arrogant in areas where I have proven myself adept.  I’m not trying to show people how to fix their car or how to run a computer (though I know a little on that.)  We’ve got plenty of people in our department who have great skills and think that means that they are privileged to say anything about any area because they know so much.

I don’t want to name names.  I don’t want to make enemies.  There are plenty of good people in the department, too.  And I’m masked enough to know that I really don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, because I genuinely like these people despite these facts.  But I just want to point out that I like them a lot and don’t want to hurt their feelings, yet I am not nearly as bad as half of them.