9/22/05

There’s something wrong and I can’t quite figure out what it is. But there’s something wrong with me right now that I can’t get my mind wrapped around. I’ve been feeling it for months, but I’m not sure what it is. I’m not sure at all what is and it’s starting to bother me. I’m not worried. I’m annoyed. I want it to go away. There’s a lot that I really want to write, it’s all in my head and it’s bursting to get out, but it can’t find a way.

I don’t feel compelled to write. I don’t feel any energy at all. No matter where I go I’m tired. No matter what I do, I’m tired. I can only watch movies with any sort of joy or energy anymore. And I’m writing this, knowing that there are certain things I just can’t say to anyone right now about what’s going on. I’m not even sure what they are.

I think I’m running out of confidence in myself. I was watching “A Love Song for Bobby Long,” and Travolta’s character had discovered a protege to invest his hope into. I don’t want that. I just feel…..

I can’t talk about it. I don’t know how anymore.

And I’ve become such an accomplished liar over the years that I can’t tell where or when the truth needs to be said. I don’t know how to say anything right anymore, because I’m too busy knowing how the other person will react. That’s one thing I can discuss weighing on me. I’m trying so hard to make people happy and give them faith and hope….as in my faith and hope. I’m trying desperately to believe that people want to be smart and good. And I don’t think I’m getting any payback. All I can hear when I listen to people is cynicism in myself as they drone about the most trivial crap that they haven’t spent two seconds on self-reflection to remove the difficulties of. My parents are just aggravating.

And I can’t stop lying. They’re not real lies. They’re avoidances of the truth. They’re shaping my sentences and the structure of my paragraphs so that things seem to be indicating one thing when I really mean another. I can’t trust anyone to be good anymore, or to take things the right way. Maybe I am expecting too much out of me and the world.

A short reprieve for a day or two tomorrow, though. Maybe that will make me better. Unfortunately, I doubt it will. It will only distract me from the problems.