10 Things

Opendiary was being a bastard yesterday.  It erased this entry three times in a row, which left me very irate and feeling a little bit like writing this entry could cause huge problems.  Perhaps the Fates were warning me not to do it, but the truth is, I’m going to write it anyway….because I like the idea behind it.  I first came upon the idea years ago but never got around to writing it down or doing it since I didn’t believe that I had secrets.  Well, I was wrong.  I believed I didn’t have secrets because there was nothing about myself I was afraid to admit to someone who asked, in fact, most things I’d downright admit about myself whether people want to know them or not. 

But I do have secrets.  I keep things from certain people.  It is in my nature to feel very passionately about people and to love AND hate people at the same time.  I don’t want to tell some people how much I care for them, or others how much I hate who they are, because….well, that is for you to judge.  I believe I do it because I care about them, because saying the things will do very little good except to make me feel better so I bottle it up inside and wait.  Meanwhile, others may argue I do it because I do not have faith that the people will take it well, and in many cases this may be true, I have a bad track record for confessing undying love so in that area, perhaps they’re right.  I also have a bad track record because my vehemence makes my criticism very scathing and most people don’t ever want to talk to me again after what I say, no matter how true, no matter how much they know me.  Others may argue that I don’t speak because I’m not strong enough to deal with the consequences of confessing, or not strong enough to lose the friends.  I still believe it is the first most, but we can never be sure.

Nevertheless, there are things I haven’t told people and thus, I have secrets.  So I apologize for thinking myself above secrets.  I never felt I was above those who have them, I just thought I didn’t and asserted that I didn’t.  And I was wrong.  Anyway, onto the actual entry….oh, a quick thank you to the brilliant person who posted this originally.

10 SECRETS

*List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.

*Don’t say who they are (although you’d be surprised how many people can figure out who the person is anyway if they know you at all or are the person in question.)

1) I think your arrogance and sense of superiority is unwarranted.  I think you are not nearly as talented as you think you are even though you are ridiculously funny.  I think you’re not as smart as you think you are.  I think you are emotionally retarded.  And most of the time, the way you treat people makes me want to hit you in the face so hard it breaks something.  I would really like to knock you down a few pegs, but you’ll never believe it.  Despite all that and my anger that I have to feel the former thoughts about you, I will do everything in my power to make sure you succeed, even if you wouldn’t extend the same courtesy to me.  I know it must have been hard growing up in the shadow of three older brothers, I’m not sure it affected you.  You don’t let people understand you, and that’s fine.  But don’t be so damn smug to think that they’re anger at this is silly.  You’ve never tried to understand anyone but yourself.

2) I love you.  I love your fragility, your perkiness, your sense of humor, your humanity.  From the first time I saw you I thought you were gorgeous.  I’m not sure you even know how fragile you are, how I can see what has been broken in you and how terrified you are because of what’s happened to you before.  You’re always with someone else, always men far below you in my opinion, but I’ve already put you on a pedestal so I suppose that’s unfair to say.  But you are far more intelligent than you give yourself credit for and many a night the time we kissed makes me wonder how things went wrong that I couldn’t find a way to captivate you. 

3) I’m sorry I don’t love you the way you want.  I wish I could.  But there’s just something holding me back from loving you the way you’ve always loved me…it’s been a desire for something more.  It’s not that you aren’t sweet, kind, caring, or devoted.  You were all those things.  You were even a good kind of crazy.  But, you aren’t right for me.  You never devoted yourself to learning the way I did and I need someone who can keep up with me in conversation to some extent.  All you can do is listen.  However, I’m amazed at how often we can manage to talk for so long about so much else.  You will always be my sunflower and while, I may not have done what was right for you, I know I did what was right for me all those years ago breaking up.  I’m sorry.  But I can’t love you the way I wish I could love you.  It has been perhaps the hardest lesson I’ll ever learn.  I’ve tried many times to make it up, change it, and love you…but it doesn’t work.  We can’t deny ourselves and I cannot deny my desires.

4) I have always loved you more than you will ever know, even though you knew I adored you.  I know on many levels you’ve always liked my brother more….which is funny considering it used to be that you and I would share the quiet strange-light nights chatting about dorky things.  There are memories of times spent together directly and indirectly that make my heart light up.  I wanted to ask you, and not your sister, but i thought it would be inappropriate and to be honest, I loved you both.  But I loved you more.  I always thought you had the brilliance in you to be truly great as an actress, one of the three women I would have placed money on being a success, who I would have backed 100%.  And losing what little touch we had from those first days of knowing each other is a very sad thing for me, something I don’t like dealing with or thinking about too much.  I’m sorry for my young anger, it was just frustration at not getting what I desperately wanted.

5) You have no idea who you are.  You think you are wise, but you are stupid.  You think you’re caring, strong, and interesting, but you’re a dull, closed off, bitter and weak woman.  You are truly insane as well.  You abandon things and turn against things just to try and make yourself feel stronger inside and yet you still run to others to coddle you when you need help.  You think your dark past gives you the right to be self-absorbed, when it’s self absorption that damaged you in the first place.  You can stay with your club of friends, all dispassionate, stupid, vapid, self-indulgent, and self-important.  One day, I pray, that I get to be there to watch when you wake up and realize that you are about as much of a nothing as you think most everyone else is.

6) I will never tell you I love you again, even though I do still madly.  In honesty, I can’t tell you why I love you so deeply.  If I was to say it in my writer’s way, I’d say it was your

smile.  You have the purest, most fragile smile that I have ever seen.  It is beautiful and warm.  And you are still the love I compare all my loves to because you were the strongest I ever felt because you were so sweet to me at first.  I adored you.  And you knew it.  And then you broke my heart into tiny pieces and made me a complete and utter wreck.  I am now a piece of glass shattered with web-cracks waiting for the slightest blow to turn me to a pile of dust.  All because of you.  And I can’t and never will shake it.  Because I still love you completely, even though it was so many years ago that I loved you.  Even though it was High School where I guess everyone but me thought that the world was ok to screw with, where it was ok to hurt people because "you didn’t know any better."  All is not forgiven, and that’s why I dredge it up so frequently.  Because I can’t let it go.  You took a pure love and turned it to rot.  And still I love you madly.

7) You always think that I think less of you than I do.  In truth, I’d die for you if it came to that.  Because I love you in a way that we have all our own.  I’d say more, but there’s very little else that I don’t already tell you….or that we haven’t shared over phone conversations and the span of years that this diary has existed.

8) I don’t think you know what you’re doing when you hurt me, I know that.  I know you’re pretty self-absorbed and silly, a lot dumber than you think you are, and your opinions are as obtuse as anyone’s though you think you’re wiser.  You think you’re a veteran of the world when you’ve barely been anywhere without someone protecting you.  But I still care for you and always will, no matter how angry you make me from time to time.  No matter how much you make me want to hit you, I know that you don’t mean to be anything other than good.  Even if you aren’t all that good at it sometimes.

9) Your personality was magic.  That’s what it was.  You had the ability to craft dreams with your words and your mind.  And they made you more attractive in all lights than you really were.  In truth, you were self-absorbed and haughty.  You were a snob and you weren’t that bright.  You were a liar and you wouldn’t even accept the fact.  And lastly, you did not take photos well…guess why….cuz you’re overweight and misshapen and you know it.  I loved you because there were many parts of you that were beautiful.  But if I just saw you walk down the street, I wouldn’t have pay a single kind second looking at you.

10) You remind me why I love silence….why I love most all things…why I love.  And I love you.  It may seem silly to do so to so many people, perhaps even you, sometimes even me, but I’m mad about you.  If I could speak stardust and magic I’d cast a spell over you, no matter how trite and cliche.  I would focus all my passion intensely upon you because, for once, I feel that I may have found someone who could bear it.  I’m terrified of how I am about you, because I know that this could all end up going horribly wrong, that I’m taking a huge risk, that I’m setting myself up for disaster and that it’s asking so much of someone else who may not even want the burden….so I’m trying to be careful for you as well as me.  But deep down, in the evening, I try to dream of you.  I wonder if you’re my salvation, my respite, my shelter, and my final kiss….but I also know that I would not want to change anything about you you don’t want to give up and that may mean it cannot be.  I don’t know.  My mind is so cautious and my heart is beating down every door and trying to pull free of the reins.  I know my heart will win, I’m praying that it will be right.